Two separate events last week got me thinking about something. They happened three days apart on different continents. One was a discussion with one of my cousins. The other happened at a party over the weekend.

What I realized from these events wasn't really a surprise. It's something I've been aware of for a while. Those events simply made me see it with a fresh perspective.

I'm sure by now you're wondering what it was.

It's the realization that my compassion seems to be reserved for those who have not been mean, nasty, and malicious towards me.

It doesn't matter how close the person is to me, if they've shown a pattern of being nasty and disrespectful to me, my compassion for them tends to register at very low levels - that is if it exists at all. And this happens without my conscious awareness.

Does this make me a heartless person?

I hope not!

The interesting thing is that I think of myself as a compassionate person, at least per dictionary definition. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines compassion as a consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

I know that when I come across someone suffering or needing help, I always have this desire to do something about it. Sometimes, I would move mountains to make it happen no matter what it costs me.

Still, I've discovered that my desire to alleviate such suffering is usually proportional to how they've treated me in the past.

If I had no history with the person, my compassion for them is usually at very high levels. It's even higher for people that I know and who I like. However, if my history with them had been one of being denigrated and disrespected, I found that my unconscious compassion for them is usually low or non-existent.

When something that requires a compassionate response happens to such a person, my initial unconscious reaction tends to be along the lines of, "You brought this on yourself. Now you get to suffer the consequences!"

Of course, I'm usually not thinking that, but that's what my initial inaction seems to communicate. This is especially true if I have previously warned them against taking the steps that landed them in the predicament necessitating the need for a compassionate response.

That's when you want to say, "Good for you! I told you so!"

But in my heart, I know that's not a good response. Neither is it an empathetic one, so I never say those words. But I'm thinking it! And it shows in my behavior towards them because I take minimal steps (or do nothing) to help them.

As I thought of this yesterday, it occurred to me that how others have treated us in the past should not be a barometer for how we show them compassion in the present. I think our desire to be compassionate should come from our shared common humanity. It shouldn't hinge on how more or less we liked them.

As I thought of ways to combat this tendency, a series of steps that I usually teach during my emotional intelligence seminars came to mind. I call it Conscious Directional Thinking (CDT). When adapted for this specific scenario, it consists of the following few simple steps:

Take time to think about how the person has treated you and acknowledge to yourself how their behavior has hurt you. There's no need to sugarcoat it.
Next, make an excuse for them to explain their actions. For example, they probably didn't realize the extent of the damage they've caused. This is more difficult than it seems but it can be done.
Then, make a conscious decision to show them compassion even if you think they don't deserve it. It's a decision you're choosing to make based on who you are and not on what they've done.
Decide on the actual steps you would take to show them compassion.
Take action on those steps.

When you practice these steps consistently, I have no doubt you'll begin to see your compassion level go up, especially toward those who have spurned you in the past.

As I wrap up this newsletter, I'd love for you to respond to this question. Do you also find yourself unconsciously responding the way I described towards people who have been nasty and disrespectful to you?

Or am I the only weird one?