Patrick knew his brother was headed in the wrong direction. He could see it clearly because he’s been there before. But Max doesn’t seem to know the potential consequences of his actions.
Being the oldest of his siblings, Patrick has embraced the fact that they all look up to him. On a few occasions, they have come to him to ask questions. He has provided them with insight when they don’t want to go to their parents. After all, they’re all adults and in their twenties now. He’s only a few years older and can empathize with some of the things they go through - maybe a little more than their parents.
Patrick thought the manner in which Max spends his money leaves much to be desired.
As a software engineer, Max has a good, well-paying job and he’s doing really well in the organization. In fact, he gets a bonus almost every month, which is rare in most places.
But rather than maintaining a good budget and putting the bonuses towards investments and paying down his $125K in student loans debt, he’s more interested in the finer things in life - expensive dinners, shoes and clothes.
Max also has a new girlfriend. As the older sibling who is now married, Patrick thought his brother is going about the relationship all wrong. This was Max’s first real romantic relationship and Patrick felt he’s in over his head.
As worried as Patrick was for his brother’s future, he was hesitant to interfere. He’s torn between saying nothing in order to preserve their relationship and potentially jeopardizing it by providing a much-needed constructive feedback. He’s at loss with what to do. He deeply loves his brother and doesn’t want to hurt him by telling him what he may not want to hear.
He’s a grown man after all, Patrick thought. He can make his own decisions. Even if he thought his decision-making could be better, they are his to make. If he needed counsel, he knew that he could come to him at any time to ask.
Does this scenario sound familiar to you?
You know a much-needed feedback would be helpful to someone but you’re hesitant to deliver it to them simply because you don’t want to hurt their feelings. It’s difficult to be the bearer of news that could be perceived wrongly.
Yes, there may be some people who always delight in pointing out where someone is wrong. But for most of us, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up. Many people avoid it because they feel that doing so would hurt the person or bruise their ego.
It was King Solomon who said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." The sting of a critical feedback can be strong at the moment it’s given. But I think it hurts more when the consequences of what they’re doing wrong eventually catches up with them.
I know there are some of us who shy away from speaking up because doing so had blown up in our faces in the past. As a result, we’ve become overly cautious in speaking truth to power. You may have even taken the posture that it’s not your problem. Let them learn the tough lesson from experience.
But if they’re close enough to you, whatever it is may eventually be your problem.
I want you to imagine how you would feel when you later realize that you could have helped prevent their unwanted outcome with a timely feedback. Imagine the person you care about suffering as a result of preventable actions, only if you had spoken up.
So, what would you do when the situation arises? Will you be able to summon that courage when needed? Or will you shrivel under the weight of the responsibility?
That’s something for each of us to think about this week.