Set the Captive Free

It happens all the time.

Someone does something that you find offensive, and what do you do? If you're human (as I suspect that you are), it's very likely that you'd do what many of us tend to do.

We take offense.

What follows immediately after being offended depends on a range of factors -  from your personality to the history between you and the offender. You may lash out and give them an earful. You could also keep it in and not breathe a word even though you're fuming inside.

Either way, how you handle the offense may not end there. You may brood over it and spend a long time thinking about the injustice of what they've done. You plot your revenge and plan how you're going to execute the vengeance. You need to make them feel the heavy impact of their hurtful behavior, right?

Well, depending on how deep the hurt is, this vengeful crusade can consume you and take over control of your life. Anytime you come across anything that reminds you of the person who offended you, your heart skips a beat; and not in a good way. In those moments, dark emotions overtake you.

At every instance when this happens, your creative energy is sapped and your rational thinking faculty become impaired. In so doing, you actually become temporarily incapacitated. You're not able to function at your optimal best. When this scenario plays out frequently over a period of time, you begin to cut short your own success unawares.

Meanwhile, the person who offended you is running free. They're most likely completely oblivious to what their behavior has caused in you. While you're being weighed down by the effects of the negative emotions coursing through your body, they're enjoying their life to the fullest.

Without realizing it, you have ceded control of your life to them even though they're not aware of it. You have allowed them to continuously dictate the terms of your existence without their realization. You've become a captive, held in chains by your thoughts. There's now only one way out.

Forgiveness.

Anytime we hear that word, it seems to have religious connotations for many people, and for good reasons.

This past weekend, Christians around the world celebrated Easter as we remember the sacrifice of Jesus in dying for the sins of mankind. His suffering, death, and resurrection brought the forgiveness of sins for anyone who chooses to place their trust in that finished work on the cross.

So, it's no remiss that the word brings up spiritual implications. But it's also equally important in this scenario.

In human relationships, many of us seem to think that forgiving someone who has offended us is an act for the benefit of the offender. As a result, we could choose to not forgive, especially if we've been so hurt by their offense. We don't want to let them off so easily. So, we hold on to the offense and keep ruminating over the hurts.

But as I stated earlier, doing this keeps you captive by the offense. So, forgiveness is not really for the offender. Forgiveness is for the person who's offering it.

Forgiveness does set the captive free. But the captive it sets free is not the offender. It's the person who gives it. It sets you free from the bondage that those negative emotions have held you.

So, is there someone you need to forgive for something? It doesn't matter how egregious the offense was. Taking an offense and holding onto it for a long time destroys one person only: YOU.

It's time to forgive and let the captive go free. Free yourself now from the bondage of unforgiveness.

You owe yourself at least that.

When Talks Aren't Walked

Have you ever said you'd do something and then completely not do it? Of course you have! I think this is true for most of us.

Other times, it's not what we promise to do but who we say we are. Still, our behaviors tend to belie our confession.

You promise to do something and you drop the ball. Repeatedly.

You claim to have your team member's back, and you throw them under the bus. Constantly.

You confess your love for a family member, yet you talk to them as if they're less than a person to you. Repeatedly.

When this happens, some of us feel the hypocrisy and resolve to do better next time. Still, we don't. We fall into the trap of always saying and not doing. We don't back up our words with the appropriate action.

And it's not that we don't mean what we say. We do mean them and we want to follow through. But when the next opportunity comes, we fall back into the usual pattern of failing to deliver.

Why is that?

An experience I had this past weekend took me down the path of pondering over this, and it gave me another insight into one of the reasons why many of us languish in our sorry states even when we know that a change is desperately needed.

Most of our daily actions are driven by prejudices and biases that we're largely unconscious of. These unconscious biases determine how we deal with people and situations who are the subjects of the biases.

Carl Jung said, "Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate." Most of us don't realize how many of the biases and prejudices we're unaware of drive our actions. Some of us chalk it up to our personality. We think it's etched in stone; that it cannot be changed.

Other times, people resist the idea that they have prejudices and biases because of labels that come with it. When the impression is that "bad people" are the ones who are biased, people tend to get defensive. But when you realize that having biases and prejudices are not the exclusive preserve of awful people; that it's a normal part of the human experience, you're better able to look inwards to consider where you prejudices lie.

Once you do this, all you need are moments of introspection to ponder over how biases are leading to your current behaviors and results. Developing this into a daily habit can help you uncover where your unconscious may be driving your words and actions.

It can help you discover why you say one thing and do another. Repeatedly.

So, do you know what unconscious biases you have?

I challenge you to think about situations and people groups that tend to evoke negative emotions in you, no matter how small. Then consider if the stereotypical views you hold about those situations and peoples can hold water. I mean, seriously consider it for far more than a fleeting moment.

You have nothing to lose, but a lot to gain.

The End of Thinking

About a month ago, I decided to see what all the fuss was about with the new chatbot everyone was talking about. So, I entered a simple request into ChatGPT's text box:

Write a short review for the book "Nothing Higher."

It came back with a statement that there are many books with that title, so it didn't know which one I was referring to. I modified the request to:

Write a short review for the book "Nothing Higher" by Sunday Faronbi.

In less than 10 seconds, it spat out the following:

"Nothing Higher" by Sunday Faronbi is a powerful and thought-provoking book that challenges readers to question their beliefs and values. The author shares personal stories, insights, and reflections on various aspects of life, such as love, spirituality, success, and purpose. Faronbi's writing style is engaging and conversational, making it easy for readers to connect with his message. The book is not just a self-help guide, but also an inspiring call to action for readers to live a meaningful and fulfilling life. Overall, "Nothing Higher" is an excellent read for anyone seeking personal growth and a deeper understanding of themselves and the world around them.

On the surface, this seemed like an okay review. But I immediately noticed something that was missing from it.

Given that the main subject of the book is humility, I was surprised that the word did not show up in the chatbot-generated review - not even once. Not a single one of the 104 words it came up with was "humility," "humble," or any of its other synonyms.

That immediately made me suspicious of how useful this thing is. Of course, it didn't actually read "Nothing Higher" before spitting out that review. It couldn't have. It would have been impressive if it had done that, but it didn't. It most likely just scoured the internet for reviews that others have written about the book and then came up with its own version of a review.

Despite my skepticism, many others were already touting how incredibly intuitive and smart ChatGPT was before I gave it a try. It was said to have passed a final exam in the University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School's MBA program. Others said they've used it to write code in different programming languages. Some claimed to have used it to write cover letters for job applications.

While these feats are impressive, I have bigger concerns than the fact that its review of a book on humility did not include words like "humble" or "humility." Can you tell I'm still hung up on that?

Yes, I am, but I've got a bigger fish to fry with this bot. I think it will erode away one of the key things that make us human.

OpenAI, the company behind ChatGPT, says its mission is "to ensure that artificial general intelligence benefits all of humanity." Honestly, I'm skeptical about how well that mission will be realized.

While there may be some immediate benefits, I seriously doubt that the long-term impact of chatbots like this would be beneficial to humanity. And I have good reasons for this, so bear with me as I explain my thoughts.

With all that ChatGPT has been able to do within the first few months of its release, this is only just the beginning. Models like this are designed to continuously learn and refine the quality of what they produce. In fact, OpenAI has already released GPT-4, which it claimed on its website, "surpasses ChatGPT in its advanced reasoning capabilities." GPT-4 is now available with a US$20 monthly subscription.

As you can imagine, other companies wouldn't want to be left behind, especially when they can cash in huge with subscriptions. Microsoft invested heavily in Open AI (rumors say the investment is up to US$10 billion) and is now using ChatGPT in its Bing search engine. Last week, I received an email from Google asking me to sign up for Bard, its chatbot version. You may have received a similar invitation.

Other tech giants may be coming up with their own iterations soon. What this means is that the rat race has already begun with each chatbot trying to outdo the others. I won't be surprised if they start trashing one another in their responses.

But here's why I think this bot race will be harmful to humanity: we could eventually lose our ability to think.

Thinking isn't something many of us tend to do regularly, but having these AI bots will only exacerbate an already bad problem. Our higher ability to think is one major things that distinguishes us from other animals. Once we stop exercising our thought muscles, atrophy would set in, and I’m afraid the human race will just get dumber and dumber.

The smart ones amongst us have tapped into the power of creative thinking to create AI systems like ChatGPT and others like it. Interestingly enough, these chatbots could end up causing us to lose the creative thinking potential that created them. If that's not self-destruction, I don't know what is.

I'm not trying to be a prophet of doom, but it seems to me that if we're not careful, this particular move towards AI chatbots may actually portent the end of human thinking.

It could be the end of humanity as we know it.

So, how will you ensure that your mind doesn’t fall victim to the coming onslaught of AI chatbots?

What intentional creative thinking exercises are you doing to guarantee that your mind stays sharp?

Can Rules Build Confidence?

Last week, the financial world was rocked when news broke of the failure of two banks. One of them is the Silicon Valley Bank (SVB), the tech lender worth about US$17 billion with almost US$200 billion in customer deposits.

How does a mid-sized bank with deposits from some of the world’s biggest venture capitalists suddenly collapse?

People who know a lot more than me about the financial sector are speculating about the combination of factors that could have been responsible - from the bank’s management to inflation, and the rollback of credit requirement regulations. So, I’m not qualified to even presume I have a clue about what led to the collapse.

I do want to share my thoughts about whether or not better regulations can help in forestalling similar occurrences in the future. This was the question one of my mentors posed to me about the situation. Do we need more rules and regulations in the financial sector?

Maybe. Or maybe not. “Definitely not” is a third option.

I say maybe because we’re speaking of banks and the financial sector. With tighter regulations, the confidence level of investors could be restored. In addition, it will most likely calm the volatility that this is currently causing within the stock markets. These situations will most likely apply to those who follow what’s going on closely and to people who tend to be astute with financial matters.

In my mind, it's also a “maybe not” because not everyone will be attuned to what new regulations are being passed. Some who have heard of the collapse of these banks could continue to panic and make the decision to pull out their investments irrespective of what regulators do.

Also, I believe ethics play a strong role here. There were rumors that some of the executives of SVB sold off most of their stocks just before the collapse. So, they knew what was coming and decided to save themselves.

I don’t think stronger regulations will stop people who want to cheat the system. Cheaters would always find ways to cheat. Plug some loopholes with new rules, and they will find new and better ways to locate other loopholes.

Finally, if we extend this to organizations in general, I would go with a “definitely not.” Here's why: I don't think more rules build the type of confidence that motivates people in general. Rules don’t build trust. The behaviors of those who lead do.

And I believe people will follow leaders they trust. Such trust will translate to how employees treat one another and their customers.

I believe this is truly a game-changer for any organization.

Please leave a comment about your thoughts on this. I’d love to know what you think.

Context Helps

Have you noticed how easily you whip out your smartphone to start scrolling or fiddling around even when you don’t have any specific task that you want to accomplish with it? And there are so many reasons why we do this. Maybe you’re bored. Or tired. Or when you’ve just sat down with nothing else to do.

You may not even notice what you’re doing. It has become an automatic and unconscious behavior for many of us. This smartphone habit is one of the many that most of us have developed over the years.

Last month, when one of the participants in my Emotional Intelligence course for project managers asked a question, it triggered something else in my mind about habits and how they’re so difficult to change once formed.

While many of us have developed good habits that are helpful to us, rarely would anyone disagree that they have one or two that are not so helpful. The interesting thing is that even when we are aware of what our bad habits are, we still find it hard to change them.

Why is this the case?

We may know those behaviors are not in our best interests. Still, we just can’t help ourselves but engage in them. In many instances, we know exactly what we need to stop doing. We just seem powerless to do so.

One thing most of us have failed to realize is that habits (even the bad ones) tend to serve a purpose in our lives. A habit is formed when you consistently meet an important need with a chosen behavior. Choosing that behavior each time the need presents itself is what leads to a habit being formed.

Once formed, the behavior is no longer a choice. It’s now done automatically without your conscious awareness. Our brain does this in order to free up brain power for the more important stuff. Studies have shown that habits form almost half of our daily actions.

The unfortunate thing is that we continue to engage in them even when these habits are not serving our best interests. More often than not, we delay or prevent our own success in life with some of these harmful habits. In some extreme cases, people engage in habits that eventually kill them.

I have come across people who have formed the habit of reacting negatively to constructive criticism even when it will help them. These people are shunning valuable counsel that could make a difference in their lives.

I’ve seen others who have developed the habit of being disrespectful to people they ought to show respect. They may realize it and feel guilty after they’ve exhibited the disrespectful behavior, but that doesn’t stop them from repeating the exact same behavior the next time the opportunity presents itself.

People could realize that a specific behavior is not helping their cause and then make a decision to change it. In most cases, however, they’re not able to follow through if the behavior has already become habitual.

This particular disconnect between what people say, feel, or believe and their actual behaviors was of interest to researcher Dr. Wendy Wood, a psychologist at the University of Southern California (USC). “I became fascinated by why changing attitudes don’t always lead to a change in behavior,” Wood says. She continued: “One answer is habits - how they keep us persisting in old actions - and how people underestimate the role of habits in their daily lives.”

Dr. Wood, along with her colleagues and students discovered a few reasons why our feelings about a particular behavior may not translate to the changing of said behavior. One of these is the context under which the behavior is performed. One critical context cue they discovered was the location.

Change the location that brings the habits out of you and you’re well on your way to breaking the habit. For example, if I want to break the habit of stopping for coffee at a drive-thru each morning while driving to work, I need to change the location context, i.e. take a different route to work. If sitting on a specific couch in a particular spot of your living room is the context for a habit you're trying to break, sit somewhere else.

The same approach works for starting a new habit. Find a location that will be the context for the new behavior to take root.

Wondering if it’s that easy?

Well, breaking a habit that you want to change is never easy, but this gives you a very strong leg up.

Helping Them Replace You

Earlier in my career, I had a manager for whom I had no trust. He didn't keep his promises, especially when it had to do with the career advancement of those of us who worked with him. He seemed to be focused only on his own career progression.

 One time, I got in trouble with him simply because I wrote a small piece for the company's quarterly newsletter without his permission. A friend who worked in the PR department had asked me to write an article about the new fully-automated, state-of-the-art production line that we were installing in one of the plants at the time.

I obliged and got in trouble for it.

Much later, I discovered that this manager had a secret fear that was driving most of his actions. He was afraid of losing his job any one of us who were on his team at that time. To ensure that this didn't happen, he suppressed and tried to censure anything that could give us visibility to people in upper management.

Despite his efforts, the nature of my job responsibilities gave me unique exposures to the company's top executives. Eventually, I was promoted without his knowledge. As my manager, part of his job was to advocate for me and help my career. He did neither. But that didn't prevent my promotion even though his actions delayed it for almost a year.

Although this happened more than 25 years ago, it's very conceivable that there are still managers like him in organizations today. They stifle the careers of their team members for any number of reasons. Whether it's due to malice or selfishness, this is a very short-sighted behavior.

It is my belief that if, as a leader, you're able to develop a few of your team members to the level where they can take over your job, that's exactly what you should do. In fact, I think this should be the goal of every manager - develop your team members so at least one of them is able to replace you.

Why should you do this, you ask? Well, a few reasons come to mind.

Firstly, having your team trained to do your job allows you to delegate more of your responsibilities. In so doing, your team members may discover more efficient ways of handling specific tasks. This can be great for your team's productivity.

In addition, such delegation can give you the time you need to focus on something else. This could provide other opportunities that open the door to something new. One or more innovative ideas, products, and services can result from these.

Also, doing this frees you to be available to move up to the next level in your career. What better way to accelerate your own promotion than having others be ready to replace you?

Finally, even if all else stays the same, being diligent in developing your team members can create a sense of belonging. It lets them know that you're fully invested in their career development and growth. With this, you secure their trust and support for the long haul - way beyond your current position and theirs.

Who wouldn't want to be on a team like that?

I definitely would.

Better Than Gold

I’m certain that you’ve heard of the golden rule. You have, haven’t you? Yes, I’m sure you have.

Do to others what you would have them do to you.

What may be less known is that the golden rule was supposed to be an upgrade of another rule called the Silver Rule. Some refer to it as the Silver Rule of Confucianism, most likely to specify its source.

Confucius was a Chinese philosopher and politician who lived around 500 BC. His silver rule - “Don’t do to others, what you don’t want done to you” - was meant to prevent people from doing bad things to others. In the March 14, 2022 edition of this newsletter, I wrote that the silver rule is a passive and lazy rule because it doesn’t require action.

About 500 years after Confucius, Jesus Christ appeared on the scene and gave us the golden rule which requires action and proactive behavior. It prompts you to act positively and demands that you’re socially responsible. It encourages you to do for people, the same good and positive things you would like to receive from others.

This is a good thing, right?

Yes, it is, but it still poses an important dilemma.

How do you know if others would want or appreciate the good and positive things you want for yourself? You may be wondering why someone would not want something good, but good to whom? Whose definition of good should we go with?

Yours or theirs?

What is desirable to you may not be something another person wants. It reminds me of an experience I had almost 20 years ago after I was promoted to lead a team of engineers as a project manager. I thought I was doing something good for the lead engineer on one of my projects when I began to share with him what he needed for him to get a similar promotion.

His response surprised me.

He told me he didn’t want a position that would require him to lead teams. He said he was content with where he was. I was trying to get him something that I thought was good, but he didn’t see it the same way.

This is where I think the Platinum Rule enhances the golden rule.

In their book appropriately titled, The Platinum Rule, Michael O'Connor and Tony Alessandra make a strong case for us to “Do unto others as they would like done unto them.” This is about doing for others what they want done for them and not what I think they would want done for them. It’s about helping them to become who they want to be and not about helping them to become who I want them to be.

So, what does this mean for us?

It means we don’t make assumptions that what’s good for us is good for others. It means asking them what good we can do for them and then helping them to accomplish it, if we have the means to do so. In doing so, we become true partners in their progress.

In whose progress will you be a partner this week?

A Better Gift

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about the need for us to be receptive to the gift of constructive feedback. Some respondents wondered about the giver of the feedback. One of the comments came from someone who said that those giving the feedback should also learn to give them with kindness and empathy.

I wholeheartedly agree!

The only problem with this is that you and I have no control over how the giver of the feedback chooses to give it. What we can control is our own receptiveness to it even when the gift comes wrapped inside a prickly cactus.

The situation is different however when WE are the giver of the gift of feedback. As the source of feedback, you definitely want to have self-awareness in the manner you deliver the gift. It should be done with compassion and kindness.

But I'm also aware that doing it this way doesn't guarantee that the recipient will not take offense. No matter how kind and gentle feedback comes, some people would never like it because they would always see it as an indictment of their character.

That's the reason I think there's an even better way.

In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not saying that this better way is simpler. In fact, I think it's most likely more difficult for some of us, myself included. But it's better because it increases the chances of delivering better results, which is a change in behavior.

What's this better way?

Tell people who they are. Or remind them who they are.

To be sure, this doesn't mean we should no longer give people the gift of constructive feedback. There will be times when that will be needed. But I've discovered that it’s more impactful when such feedback comes sparingly and with many instances of reminding people who they are, sprinkled between each feedback.

So, what do I mean when I say it's better to tell or remind people who they are?

Consider this scenario: your son behaves in a disrespectful manner contrary to what he's been taught. In trying to correct the behavior, most parents would most likely reprimand the child and tell him what should be done next time. I know that would have been my tendency. When this continues repeatedly, the child could become adamant and defensive when most infractions are dealt with this way.

But imagine a situation where instead of a reprimand, the child is told who he is - "You're known to be respectful. What's happening with you?"

Consider another situation where one of your team members at work makes a mistake or drops the ball on an assignment. Rather than writing her up or putting her on a personal improvement plan, you simply tell her such mistakes are out of character. "You're a careful and diligent person. Is anything going on?"

These types of responses reinforce the positives about who they are. In doing so, you're offering them a much healthier environment in which they can grow. The result is that they try to live up to that expectation and find their true path.

This is the reason I believe this approach is a much better gift than constructive feedback. I think this could have prevented instances where we raise kids who become resistant to receiving feedback as adults. It can also help in work situations where the people you lead see you as an insatiable taskmaster.

I wish I had thought of this many years ago. I didn't then, but I do now. So do you.

And it's never too late to course correct and begin to dish out this better gift.

Knowing When Time's Up

Less than two weeks ago, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern suddenly announced her resignation. When I first heard it, my mind immediately thought of what she must have done to warrant her stepping down.

But I was wrong.

In an era when leaders around the world hold on, and try to consolidate their powers even in the face of scandals, Ardern isn't leaving because she did anything wrong. She's leaving because according to her, she thinks she's no longer able to shoulder the responsibility of leading the country.

Her actual words were:

"𝑰'𝒎 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒉𝒂𝒓𝒅. 𝑰 𝒂𝒎 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒃𝒆𝒄𝒂𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒔𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂 𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒍𝒆𝒈𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒔 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 - 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒓𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒐𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒔𝒐, 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒂𝒓𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒕. 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒋𝒐𝒃 𝒕𝒂𝒌𝒆𝒔, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒏𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒏𝒈𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒐 𝒊𝒕 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒆. 𝑰𝒕'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒊𝒎𝒑𝒍𝒆."

I think she deserves some kind of global award to recognize this decision. There's no Nobel prize in Leadership, but I believe Ms. Ardern deserves one. What she did is a rare attribute of great leaders. This is what true leadership is all about.

The greatest passion of a true leader is to serve and bring about positive change for the benefit of those being led. That includes the ability to recognize when you're no longer able to deliver and also having the courage to step aside.

Such courage, honesty, and humility are rarely seen in people at the highest levels of government. Consider that she's also the youngest ever head of government - she was only 37 years old when she was elected as Prime Minister. This is proof that great leadership has nothing to do with age.

I hope some of the (older, and supposedly wiser) sexagenarian and septuagenarian heads of state can learn a thing or two from this great leader. Rather than weakly holding on to power irresponsibly as some have done (or tried to do), she demonstrates that it's a show of strength to relinquish it willingly.

Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe held onto power for 37 years before being forced out of the presidency. He was 93 years old at the time and refused calls from his own party to step down until the decision was made for him. For someone like that, being president had nothing to do with serving people. It's about consolidating power.

While this tendency to hold onto power is common in politics and government, it's not completely absent in business.

I once had a boss who tried all he could to suppress and keep down those of us working on his team so that none of us would be able to take over his position. He was so short-sighted in his thinking that he had reached the apex of his career in the company and wanted to stay there for as long as he could. His tactic worked for a while and he lost quite a few good team members in the process.

Great leaders know what it takes to lead their teams. A good portion of that is knowing when they're no longer the right person to lead the team.

Will you know when you're not the right leader your team needs?

Will I?

Hatred from Unexpected Places

It was another couple of dark days in the United States over the weekend. On Saturday, a gunman killed 11 people at a ballroom dance studio in Monterey Park, California during Lunar New Year celebrations. He also reportedly tried to target a second dance hall but failed.

Early yesterday (Sunday) morning, there was another mass shooting at a nightclub in Baton Rouge, Louisiana in which a dozen people were injured. As I’m writing this, one of the victims is in critical condition.

There were two more shootings on Sunday in Shreveport, Louisiana and Robinsonville, Mississippi. Both of these added another dozen to the list of those injured from mass shootings.

Mass shootings in America have become so routine that their shock values continue to decrease exponentially. That’s a scary thing to contemplate but it seems we may be becoming numb to these tragedies.

According to the website, Gun Violence Archive (https://www.gunviolencearchive.org/), there have been 36 mass shootings and 5 mass murders resulting in more than 1,140 deaths this year alone. And we're only three weeks into the year!

Twenty-one of the dead are children under the age of twelve and 95 of them are teenagers. More than 250 in these age groups have been injured, many of them maimed for life.

That's as unbelievable as it is disheartening.

The shooting in Monterey Park and the resulting manhunt for the shooter sent a big shockwave of fear through Asian American communities in the Los Angeles area. The incident also cast a dark shadow over Chinese New Year festivities around the country, so much so that other cities sent extra officers to watch over their celebrations.

Due to an uptick in hate crimes against Asian minorities since the pandemic, and the fact that this latest incident targeted a dance studio filled with people celebrating the Lunar New Year, one’s immediate thought would be that this is another Asian hate incident.

But is it?

The suspect, later identified as a 72-year-old adult Asian man was found dead with self-inflicted gun wounds the following morning less than 30 miles away in Torrance, California. He was driving a van that matched eyewitness descriptions and shot himself when the vehicle was stopped and before police officers could approach.

Many are wondering why an Asian man would target other Asians in a community filled with Asian Americans. Did he have a mental illness? Could this be linked to some kind of domestic abuse? Your guess is as good as mine as authorities continue to look into positive motives.

Two law enforcement sources said the suspect recently showed up at a police station saying his family was trying to poison him. So, this could easily be a family dispute gone awry. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, however, what this proves to me is the depravity of the human mind.

We usually think of hatred in situations where there are obvious differences between perpetrators and victims. But sometimes, the reasons may not be that deep. After all, some have killed their own family members or other loved ones in sudden moments of uncontrollable anger, and that may be the situation here.

They may not have meant to, but they did. And that's a cautionary tale for you and me. If we have the tendency to get angry easily and we don’t have the impulse control skills to reign in the anger or channel it appropriately, the consequences can be disastrous.

You may say that’s not you. You could be thinking that even though you have anger problems, you would never resort to such a level of violence. Well, I doubt if any of those who have succumbed to their fits of anger thought a particular situation would turn them into murderers.

And yet, here we are.

So, are you easily angered or annoyed? Do you tend to take out your frustrations on others? If that’s you, I think you should consider working with a professional to find safe outlets for your anger and frustrations. Please do it before it’s too late.

You could be saving lives in the process.

A Gift Worth Receiving

I've come to discover that it's very easy for us to show love and kindness to people who appear to us to be kind and loving. I’ll concede that this is by no means an earth-shattering discovery. You most likely have noticed this tendency with yourself and others.

I surely have.

Attributes such as love, kindness, and compassion tend to be reciprocal. When you receive love from someone, you tend to love them back. When someone respects you, you reflect that respect back to them. When someone acts towards you with humility, you want to reciprocate.

Even more, these attributes also tend to be transmissible from the recipient to a different person. When you receive kindness from someone, you tend to be kind toward other people. That's one of the reasons paying it forward at drive-throughs could go on for very long times.

Some of us would even go further and show kindness to others who have been neither kind nor unkind to us - those whose behaviors you consider neutral. Of course, the neutrality of such behaviors can only be determined by the person on the receiving end of that behavior. What one person deems neutral could come across to another as a positive experience, and yet by another as negative.

But my focus is neither on these neutral behaviors nor is it on those who show us kindness. I want to hone in on a different group - the ones we perceive as unkind.

How do we typically respond to these people? In most cases, we pay them back in kind (well, more like in unkindness). In other situations, we avoid them. I know these are my natural tendencies and I've observed the same in others too.

Of these two, because being unkind to people generally comes across as - to put it mildly - not good, I've found myself avoiding people who have been unkind or unpleasant to me. I tended to behave similarly towards people whose behaviors I didn't understand. If I didn't have to be around them, I would gladly avoid them.

However, I've since realized that when I did this, I didn't learn and I didn't grow. I missed out on the opportunities afforded me to learn from them because of that what I saw as their unkind behavior or approach.

It's natural for many of us to want or seek validation. We want to be around those who see the best in us and give us words of affirmation each time we encounter them. When done appropriately in the right context, this can be good for your self-esteem. But there's danger in it.

The danger of complacency and stagnation.

Whether we like to hear it or not, the truth is that no one is perfect and we all have areas of opportunity to be better. But when we avoid those in our lives whose behaviors tend to point out where our learning opportunities lie, we miss out on those moments to learn and grow.

So, who is it that you don't understand? From whom have you been keeping your distance because they tend to highlight where your growth opportunities are? Or maybe you avoid them because they're just plain rude or mean.

There are times when you may even realize that what these people are telling you is the truth. Maybe you already know that's an area you need to grow. You just don't like the idea of them (or anyone) pointing it out. It hits you hard, so you get defensive.

In our ego, we reject the truth of what they're saying because it's an indictment of us. We reject the message just because we don't like the messenger and maybe their manner of delivery. Sometimes, we even reject a new message that's both useful and delivered well because of our nasty experiences with previous deliveries.

I've noticed this with adult children whose parents are still around. After becoming independent individuals who feel they've finally been liberated from the shackles of their parent's control, they react negatively to most, and sometimes, any constructive feedback from their parents. They just don’t want to hear it.

What they fail to realize is that these are the people who most likely love them the most (having known them their entire lives), and who want the best for them.

Whether it comes from parents, mentors, or well-meaning friends, we must learn to appreciate feedback for what it truly is - a gift. I think it's a gift that is worth receiving irrespective of how we feel about the source or the delivery channel.

So, the next time any of these people (who you know truly have your back) share something that they think will help, listen with humility, and don't allow your earlier perceptions of them to discolor your receptiveness.

You could be missing out on a valuable gift otherwise.

Help Needed But Not Wanted

There’s one key behavior in us human beings that baffles me. Even after understanding the reason we engage in it, I still continue to marvel at why we seem to be the greatest enemies of our own progress.

Mason is the head of a Project Management Office (PMO) for a large organization. As someone in a VP position, you can say safely assume that he’s had some measure of success in his career. But if you talk to him, he’s the first to acknowledge that his career path has neither been smooth nor linear. He believes it has taken him longer than his peers to get to where he is today.

He also admits readily that he has not yet arrived where he wants to be. He still wants to move up a couple of rungs on the career ladder. So, when he was presented with a development opportunity that can help him in this area, he knew immediately that this was for him. He was excited and signed up for the course.

When it was time to begin, he was nowhere to be found.

This is the scenario I’ve seen over and over with many of us. And it continues to baffle me.

We recognize our deficiency in a particular area of our lives. We understand what we need to do to close the gap and overcome the deficiency. We’re presented with an opportunity to do just that. We get excited and commit to following through on the opportunity.

But we don’t follow through.

When it’s time to forge ahead and put the pedal to the metal, we go missing in action.

Early last month, I offered my revamped masterclass series, The Foundation of Thriving Careers, free of charge to a limited number of those who want to understand what it will take to accelerate their careers. It will take a weekly commitment over just three weeks. Signup was open for a few days and many signed up. When it was time to start, only half of them showed up.

That could have been due to many reasons. Of course, I understand that life happens to many of us, sometimes in unexpected ways. But I’ve seen this scenario play out so frequently with different groups of people, so I think the reason for this apathy is much more foundational.

I strongly believe that mindsets created unconsciously as a result of beliefs over time play a central role. They drive many of our unconscious behaviors that tend to short-circuit our successes in life. Interestingly, the masterclass program I offered was designed to help bring this to light. If only . . .

Well, what has this got to do with you?

It’s the beginning of a new year when many people make resolutions to do something different. Data shows that only 9% of those who make such commitments keep them for the entire year. About 23% quit in the first week and only 36% make it past the first month.

If you don’t want to continue marking time on the same spot year after year with something that you know you need to change, then you need to be intentional and focused on making the change. The Foundation of Thriving Careers can help you understand why your career foundation may need to be strengthened.

If that’s you, send me a note and I will include you in the next cohort of the program starting next month.

You'll be thankful you did.

Regaining Control

I still remember when having a Blackberry phone was a thing. This was way before iPhone heralded the age of smartphones. The Blackberry was the iPhone of the early to mid-2000s.

The company I was working for at the time decided that every manager’s flip phone would be replaced with a Blackberry. With that, we could suddenly receive work emails on our phones. This was the first time emails became accessible to the general public through a mobile handheld device.

How exciting!

Yeah, I know many people today may not be able to understand how important and exciting this was. After all, we now carry around in our palms and pockets computing power that is ten times what was available then. But to those of us who had the privilege of getting the Blackberry at that time, it was a big deal.

Suddenly, we could get work emails without having to log on to a computer. We could even get work emails after we return home from work without having to whip out our laptops! As a project manager leading teams that were dispersed around the globe at the time, it gave me the opportunity to stay connected with my teams who were halfway across the world.

With an 11½-hour time zone difference, the problem was that their days were beginning just as mine was ending. If I get an email at 9:30 pm requiring a response from a team member in India whose day was just starting, I wasn’t the kind of person who would sleep on the information and wait to respond the next day. The result? I would work late into the wee hours of the night from home.

This continued for about two years until I realized this practice was neither sustainable nor good for my sanity. So, I decided it was time to cut the cord. I knew the only way this could happen was for me to not see those late-arriving email requests. But I had a Blackberry, and I was notified each time a new email arrived. The only solution was not to see the notifications.

And that’s what I did.

Once I returned home from work, I would unclip the Blackberry from my belt, turn it off and throw it into my nightstand drawer. There it would stay until I was ready to leave for work the next morning.

In June 2007, the iPhone became the thing. It revolutionized our interactions with mobile devices. Fifteen years later, we now have different shapes and sizes of smartphones that control our lives. We're addicted. We've got apps we suddenly think we can’t live without.

But what if we can?

Just imagine being without your smartphone. Perish the thought, you say! Many will start having withdrawal symptoms. It’s almost as if a part of the body is missing.

Still, just imagine being without your smartphone. Well, maybe not completely. What about getting rid of the apps that you can truly live without? How much time per day will you regain if you mute or disable some of the notifications, even for the apps you need? Instead of those pings constantly interrupting and disrupting your day, you decide when the interruptions would happen. You plan for them.

That's the reason I have most of the notifications on my smartphone disabled with the exception of text messages and phone calls. I check all other apps when I decide to check them.

Several months ago, one of my sons jokingly asked why I have a smartphone if I don’t get notifications. Well, I did it because I remembered when the Blackberry was a leach that was controlling my life. I decided nothing of its ilk would ever do that to me again.

As we prepare for the new year, it may be a good idea for you to consider how to regain control of your life from the smartphone. I think your sanity and peace of mind will thank you greatly.

An Unforgettable Gift

On the first day of this month, I met Cecil. He was the Uber driver who took me that day from my Airbnb to the PMI Summit I was attending at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas. The ride took about 8 minutes but I learned a lot about him during that time.

He's retired and in his sixties. But more than 20 years ago, he had spent 18 months in various countries in Africa with his wife and their two children. He also told me how he had lived in other countries in Europe and Asia which enabled each of his two children to speak six different languages.

Then he shared something fascinating with me.

The car in which I was riding was his third Tesla sedan in less than five years. He buys each one for the sole purpose of using them to give Uber rides for about two years. During that period, he would give rides to many students from the University of Nevada, Las Vegas (UNLV). Each time, after dropping them off, he would write their name and phone number on a small piece of paper and put it in a hat he has at home.

When the two-year period of driving the car is up, he would call his wife and adult children together, and they would have a raffle with a drum roll. Then a member of the family would draw a name from the hat he's been dropping the names of UNLV students.

He would gift the car to the lucky recipient.

He gave out the most recent one a few months ago to a student he had given a ride a couple of months before. He and his wife took the car to her workplace at a Wendy's restaurant location. His wife had called to be sure of when the young lady would be at work. Then he showed up to say he would like to talk to her outside about a problem with a drive-thru order.

When they got outside, his wife was waiting by the car with a giant bow on it. She was so overjoyed that she started crying. Then, his wife began to cry.

What I find impressive are the lengths Cecil and his family went to make the presentation of the gift very memorable for that young woman. Such a gift is something she's unlikely to forget for the rest of her life.

You and I may not be able to gift a car to someone every two years, but we can still do our best to make someone's day. All it takes is for us to put it at the forefront of our minds and be intentional about doing something special for someone.

It may surprise them, but that shouldn't stop us. They could be wondering why, but we shouldn’t worry about that. All we need to bother ourselves with is meeting a need that we know is there even when they may not have asked us for help. Or maybe they have.

So, when did you last do something out of the ordinary to make someone's day? If you have to think long to find out, it may be a good time to create a fresh experience.

To whom can you add value this week?

Family ThanksLiving

It's Thanksgiving week here in the United States. It’s the time we gather with our families to give thanks for many things. The Thanksgiving season is reputed to be the busiest travel season in the U.S. as millions of people get together with friends and family.

Since it also unofficially signals the beginning of the Christmas shopping season, all kinds of deals and sales discounts are been pitched to us.

I've always marveled at how the very next thing we do after getting together to give thanks for what we have, is to go out and buy more things. We're thankful for what we have and we celebrate it by rushing to go buy more stuff that we don't need.

But that's not my topic for this newsletter. Maybe another time.

Usually with my family, when we sit together for Thanksgiving dinner, we go around the table to share at least one thing for which we're thankful. But lately, I've been wondering about what could happen if we treat every single day of the year this way.

Yes, there are many of us who may have developed a consistent attitude of gratitude. I just wonder what the difference would be if we do this daily with friends and family the same way some of us do during our Thanksgiving dinners.

How would this change our relationships with those closest to us? I think it would deepen them and help us to be closer to those we love the most.

You may be wondering how this could play out in practical terms. How can you daily share what you're thankful for with family members without repeating stuff?

I think we can easily answer these questions when we look beyond the obvious and are not limited in our thinking about what deserves our thanks. When it comes to gratitude, most of us usually think of the big stuff - life, food, family, jobs, health, etc. But when we look a little deeper, we'll discover that we're missing out on a whole range of things for which we can be thankful.

In most cases, our life experiences cause us to take some things for granted. It was G. K. Chesterton who said, “When it comes to life, the critical thing is whether you take things for granted or take them with gratitude.” I have heard of people who, after going on a short-term mission trip to an impoverished part of the world, returned with a strong appreciation for the things they've taken for granted most of their lives.

For example, most of us in North America take electricity and potable, pipe-borne water for granted. We never think about how privileged we are to have such easy access to these essentials of life until a tornado or hurricane comes to town and deprives us of them.

But when you have experienced living without access to regular electricity, even for a couple of weeks, it's unlikely you'll ever forget it. You get a new appreciation each time you walk into a dark room, flip a switch and the light comes on.

A few other things that we take for granted come to mind - breathing easily (some can't take a breath without the help of a machine), our mistakes (they sometimes help shape our path in life), and the people who care about us but we take their advice and wisdom for granted.

I'm sure there are a few of these which are unique to you and your life experience. You only need to pause and reflect on your existence to see other things that you may have taken for granted but for which you could be thankful. List them and begin to see a positive change in your life as you express gratitude for these on a daily basis with those closest to you

I recommend you begin this Thanksgiving.

Giving of Yourself

The first time I went on a short-term mission trip to Africa, I was surprised that I had to pay in order to go. In my mind, I was doing a good thing by being willing to go and serve in a remote part of Africa, so why should I have the extra burden of bearing the costs?

I thought I was making some great sacrifices, so shouldn’t that count for something? I had to take 10 days off work, using my “hard-earned” paid time off (PTO). We were also going to work in a very remote part of Tanzania. Who knows what kinds of hardship we would have to face?

Since I was already giving a lot just to go, how does it make sense that I also had to cough up more than US$4,000 to cover my own travel and living expenses during the trip? Someone should be paying for that!

Of course, I didn’t know who that someone was supposed to be. It just wasn’t supposed to be me! I was so naïve it wasn’t even funny!

I didn’t tell anyone what I was thinking at the time (thankfully!) but it simply didn’t make sense to me that I would be making all those “sacrifices” and still had to pay my own way. After all, it wasn’t as if I was getting anything in return.

It was in that last thought that my huge mistake lay.

There may be others like me who see volunteering for something or serving others as all pain and no gain. However, if you have had the opportunity to serve anywhere, you already know the immense benefits that come from lending a helping hand, especially when it’s very much needed.

Numerous studies have shown how rewarding it can be when you serve others with your time and skills: from improving self-esteem, physical health, and longevity to increasing happiness, providing a sense of purpose, and reducing dementia risks. These, and many more, are the reasons most people have developed a heart for giving and serving.

And then, there are some who simply want to do some good in the world.

I believe that last statement is true for every member of the team from my church who chose to travel to Florida last month to help with cleanups after Hurricane Ian's devastation. I’m dedicating this edition of the newsletter to these selfless individuals.

The youngest on the team was in his mid-twenties while the oldest was a great-grandfather in his sixties. Each person paid to cover their own travel and living expenses and everyone took time off work in addition to enduring a 58-hour road trip during those eight days to serve our friends in Cape Coral, Florida.

Here are a couple of specific sacrifices a few people on the team made:

• Dan, a businessman gave up close to US$2,000 in potential income during that period.

• Amy, an experienced nurse gave up the huge income she would have received from her three clients.

• After the rest of the team left, Scott stayed behind for an extra week when he saw the magnitude of the help needed.

If you ask any of these people if it was worth it, you won’t get a hint of hesitation from them. Yes, they gave up so much in order to serve those who desperately needed it, but they would be the first to tell you that they would do it again in a heartbeat because the benefits to them were more than worth the sacrifices.

And those same benefits can be yours when you choose to give of your time, skills, and abilities to help and serve others.

There are great opportunities for each one of us when serving becomes a lifestyle and not just something we do only when there's a need created by disastrous and catastrophic events. You will begin to notice a positive change in your life when you wake up each morning asking yourself,

“To whom can I be of service today?”

Playing the Victim

About 10 days ago, Elon Musk’s turbulent acquisition of Twitter was finalized. Less than a week later, he fired about half of the company’s employees.

Methinks this is just the beginning of a long saga involving the bluebird.

Musk said there has been a “massive drop in revenue” after several companies, including General Mills, Unilever, United Airlines, American Express, Ford, Forbes, Pfizer, and Volkswagen (along with its automotive brands - Audi, Lamborghini, Bentley, and Porsche) among many others, pulled back on their Twitter ads due to concerns over content moderation. He blamed the drop on pressure from activists.

As I watched this situation unfold, I couldn’t help but see where a couple of key emotional intelligence skills would have made a difference. Here are some of the things I’ve noticed so far:

Firstly, it seemed to me that the acquisition itself was not properly thought through. How else would you classify saying you would acquire a company for US$44 billion (which many considered an overpayment) and then tried to back away from it?

No proper due diligence was done. Musk spoke and acted before thinking through what the ramifications were. This showed a lack of Impulse Control. He probably didn’t count on Twitter suing him when he tried back away from his offer. The result? Being forced to go ahead with an acquisition he probably didn’t really want. That’s the consequence of the first shot he aimed at his own foot.

In addition, I think many of his own pronouncements before and during the acquisition most likely spooked many of the company’s advertisers. For a platform that has for years struggled with how to balance free speech with misinformation and hate speech, I would have thought saying that you want to open it up to voices that you think have been suppressed could strike terror into advertisers who are concerned that their ads could appear alongside problematic content. So, it should have come as no surprise that they may take their ad spending elsewhere. But it seems he didn’t see that coming.

The same Impulse Control skill could be seen in very short supply when Musk unilaterally decided to fire about 3,700 employees less than a week after the acquisition was finalized. Of course, he could do whatever he wanted since he’s now the sole owner. Layoffs are unfortunately common these days but great organizations know that when needed, they should be done with copious amounts of planning, care, compassion, and respect for every person impacted.

None of these seem to have played a role here. Almost immediately after the layoffs started, there were reports of a class-action lawsuit being filed by current and former employees saying the company did not give sufficient notice of the layoff under state and federal laws.

What about the effects of the layoffs on those left behind? I can't help but imagine the level of fear that is now permeating the entire organization. Psychological safety is most likely gone. Many would be wondering if they are next and would definitely start looking for opportunities elsewhere. Their focus would now be divided and employee engagement will fall. Innovation will suffer as no one will be willing to promote fresh ideas or challenge proposals. The company could become a caricature of its former self.

Even more telling are unconfirmed news reports (as of this writing) that just after about three days of the layoffs, Twitter started asking some of the employees to return. One report said that “management at Twitter has come to the realization it either let some workers off by accident or without realizing their experience was essential to building the features Elon Musk wants to bring to the platform.”

I would have thought that a businessman and corporate leader of Musk’s caliber would understand the effect that such a hastily-concocted layoff will have on the quality of the company’s products and the morale of those who remain. But hey, what do I know?!

Another skill I see lacking in this who saga is Self-Awareness. Instead of seeing where his own actions and missteps have contributed to the huge losses in revenue, Musk is blaming others (“activists”) for his woes. Rather than looking inward to consider how he had contributed to the predicament, he’s seeing himself as a victim and embracing an external locus of control.

The activists on the other hand say “Elon’s ‘hellscape’ is already here.” They claim that he’s bringing the revenue losses on himself because his actions aren't matching his words and advertisers can see that for themselves. I agree with their assessment. Maybe that makes me an “activist” too! Of course, your actions are unlikely to match your words when you tend to speak and act without thinking through the repercussions - especially if you do so on a public platform with hundreds of millions listening to you.

I can point to a couple more, but it's not my intention to belabor the point. My intention is to show how a deficiency in any emotional intelligence skill can be costly for a leader. Lacking in just a few of the skills can be deadly. It would be interesting to see how this Twitter saga eventually plays out. I think it will be a wild ride for everyone involved.

While you and I can dissect Elon Musk all day because his words and actions are on display for all to see, what’s even more important is how the lack of these same skills is affecting our own life and career successes.

Do you look inwards when things don't go as you expect or is it always someone else’s fault?

Have you taken stock of how not being able to control your impulses could be delaying or derailing your success?

If you haven't, this may be a good time to do so. And reach out for help before it becomes too late.

Humankindness

Luke and Jessie owned a beautiful home in Fort Myers, Florida. When Hurricane Ian hit more than a month ago, their entire neighborhood was flooded. For several days, more than two feet of standing water was in their home. Very few of the houses in southwestern Florida were spared in the devastation.

After the water receded, it left behind much destruction in its wake -damaged home appliances, soaked walls, and furniture busted beyond repair. The couple’s lives have been turned upside down but they had no time to mourn. A cleanup of the mess left behind must be done quickly to ensure that whatever can be redeemed in the structure of the house is preserved.

That's when Seth (not his real name) offered his services. He is the boyfriend of Jessie's niece, so he's well-known to the family. He offered to help Luke and Jessie move their damaged furniture and appliances from inside the house to the curb in front of their home.

For a fee of US$5,000.

Yes, you read that right! And I'm not making this up. I heard this from the horse's mouth. Well, from Luke's mouth.

He simply couldn't believe it. Someone he considered a close friend tried to take advantage of their predicament in order to make a quick buck.

In addition, Luke told me that Seth had offered to bring three of his friends and the four of them would work together would tear out and remove all the damaged walls in the house. This applies to the portion of every wall in the house up to four feet high from the floor. He proposed to do the work at the rate of US$100 per hour per person. For the four of them, that comes to US$400 per hour.

I did some math to estimate how much this would have cost.

I was there when everything damaged in the house was torn down and hauled out and it was a lot of work. My estimate is that it took 19 people about 7 hours over a period of two days to get the work done. That's a total of about 133 man-hours. At the rate Seth was asking for, this would have cost US$13,300.

Jessie also told me that an insurance adjuster had earlier approached them and told them that it would cost about US$80,000 to fix everything that had been damaged. The guy also wanted an immediate down payment of US$20,000 before any work would start.

As I listened to what this couple and their three little kids had endured within the span of three weeks, beginning with the devastation by the hurricane, it occurred to me that there are many others like them. And in situations like this, you would always find vultures who are circling overhead to pick apart the vulnerable.

I couldn't help but marvel at how the mind of a depraved human being works. It never ceases to amaze me.

Still, what I find comforting is that in the same space where you come across selfish and self-serving folks such as Seth, you also find people who are completely selfless and willing to do all that they can. There are those eager to serve and lend a helping hand to people in need without demanding any compensation.

Over a nine-day period, I spent time with a team of people who spent their own money, and time, in addition to sacrificing more than a week of their lives to help complete strangers like Luke and Jessie, among others. I'll be writing about the sacrifices some of these made people soon.

For now, it would be good for you and me to do some serious soul-searching. I think it’s easy for us to condemn Seth as a fortune-seeking scoundrel who is trying to take advantage of people in desperate situations.

But I wonder - do we engage in similar practices?

Do I try to exploit others who are in dire straits and who need urgent help? Do you?

Do you raise your prices when there's a high demand for your products and services, especially when those in need of those products and services had been hit with unforeseen calamities they couldn't have prepared for? Some of us choose to hide behind the law of supply and demand, but we know what this truly is - exploitation.

But I think we can be better. I believe there's a reason why we cannot spell humankind without the "kind" at the end of it. It’s time we put kind back into humankind.

It's time for more humankindness.

Persistent Feedback

Scott was part of a small team of six in a large organization with multiple locations around the globe. His job required a lot of collaboration with other members of the team. But no one on the team was thrilled with the prospect of engaging Scott.

The main reason for this was not far-fetched.

He was always abrupt in his dealings with other members of the team. The way he said things, his facial expressions, and his overall abrasive approach seemed to rub everyone the wrong way. But he didn't care. As far as he was concerned, he was just being himself.

The team leader, Wayne was aware of the impact of Scott's behavior on the team's performance and had tried to address it. Within the past several months, he had told Scott twice that he needed to improve his social skills as he interacted with others on the team. It took some convincing, but Scott eventually agreed to the assessment and promised to improve.

But then, nothing changed. Almost a year later, Wayne could no longer tolerate the situation and decided to show Scott the door.

Scott couldn't believe it!

After the two times that Wayne had told him to clean up his behavior, he had tried to turn a new leaf. In fact, he actually thought he was getting better. Now, this?!

On leaving Wayne's office after being fired, Scott immediately called his attorney. He's going to sue the company for wrongful termination!

What's your assessment of this situation? Who do you think dropped the ball here? Most of us would most likely say that Scott was responsible for his ultimate fate.

But I would argue that Wayne was more culpable.

Yes, it was clear that Scott had issues that needed to be addressed. And yes, he agreed to do better on the two occasions Wayne had discussed the situation with him. So, why do I say that Wayne has more blame in this situation?

I say that because the two instances he brought up the situation with Scott over a six-month period were not enough. Wayne would be the first to tell you that he's not a "confronter." He tries to avoid uncomfortable discussions with his team members. And those two discussions he had with Scott were very uncomfortable for him.

Most organizations have many leaders like Wayne. They steer clear of tough conversations. Even when they summon the courage to engage in such a dialogue, these are very few and far between. In doing so, they miss a vital part of their team members' developmental process: a constant, regular, and persistent reminder to the employee if they are not doing what is needed.

Yes, I know what you're thinking. This can be excruciating!

I doubt if any leader enjoys the thought of reminding a team member for the tenth week in a row that they're still not doing enough of what they had agreed to. It seems like nagging. For many leaders, it's awkward and unpleasant. Yet, this is what is needed for behaviors to change.

Human behaviors do not change overnight, especially ones that had become well-honed habits. Even someone who has realized that they need change with a particular behavior may not have the willpower to effect the change on their own. A lot of support is usually needed, especially during the first few weeks as the new behavior tries to take root.

Scott did not get that level of support. He neither received constant reminders when his old behaviors reared their ugly heads nor encouragements when the new ones were displayed. Had he received constant, weekly reminders, he would not have been surprised when Wayne told him he was being let go.

In his book, The Ideal Team Player, Patrick Lencioni said that "when a manager steps up to this challenge, week after week after painful week, one of two things will always happen."

1. The employee will achieve a breakthrough once they decide that they don't want to keep hearing those reminders. With this, they're able to embrace the new behaviors long enough to turn them into habits.

2. They could decide the new behaviors are not for them and decide to leave the team.

Lencioni also noted a third possible outcome: the employee decides to tolerate the constant barrage of reminders and neither changes nor leaves. This can ultimately lead to the employee being fired.

As a leader, you must do your best to ensure that you give your people all the opportunity to change behaviors that have been identified and discussed with them as having negative effects on the team. Failure to do this is tantamount to a dereliction of duty.

One way to avoid this is by giving those constant and regular reminders and reinforcements so the team member knows where they stand. This can be done in a kind, compassionate, but firm approach that should leave no doubt as to what the expectations are.

The key is to remind privately and encourage publicly.

Unlike what many of us may think, reminding someone of an area they can get better is an act of kindness and compassion. We just need the courage and strength of character to follow through.

After all, open rebuke is better than secret love.

Passion Uncovered

I have heard leadership gurus encourage people to focus their skills development in the area of their natural strengths and passions. I agree that this is a good approach to becoming excellent in what you’re already good at. But I have since discovered that this alone is not enough to uncover other potentials someone may have.

If I had focused only on what I was naturally passionate about, I would not be speaking to thousands around the world today at conferences and through seminars and workshops. I would definitely not be a coach, encouraging the development of leadership skills needed for executive-level positions. These are things I'm very passionate about today.

Yet, none of them was on my radar 30 years ago.

As a young engineer at the beginning of my professional career, if you had told me that three decades later, I'll be speaking to audiences in addition to coaching leaders on leadership and emotional intelligence topics, I would have told you to go have your head checked out by a psychiatrist.

That's because I was your typical nerd. Social interaction was not only challenging for me, but it was also draining, especially with people I wasn't familiar with. When it came to public speaking. I would rather be dead and buried six feet under than stand to speak in front of three people.

But today, these have been relegated to the lands of the forgotten. What changed?

I did.

My work experiences provided the unique opportunities I needed. After college, my first job as a service engineer with Xerox required me to speak regularly with customers. Later, with another company, I began the journey of being a part of teams that executed different projects around the world.

My jobs helped me to gradually develop the interpersonal and speaking skills I was lacking. After overcoming my initial fear of public speaking, I was able to hone those skills through Toastmasters.

I didn't consciously try to overcome my fear of public speaking. It happened as my work experience pushed me into many situations where I had to give presentations and deliver training sessions to the users of the products created by my projects.

Suddenly, I discovered that my heart was not beating as fast as it used to, anytime I had to stand in front of others to speak. Of course, I had to dig deeper to hone the skills but the initial development came from those several years of unintentional practice.

Today, I'm not only NOT afraid to speak to audiences, I love it. I look forward to every opportunity to motivate and engage audiences. I also enjoy the one-on-one dialogue while coaching clients or just chatting with people in general just to know them better.

Through my journey of growth, here's what I've found out: you don't know where all of your passions lie until you develop the skills that will help you unveil them. Skill development can lead to passion. Enjoyment in hobbies, work, and life often comes from doing things that we are competent at.

More than anything else, we first learn to do something before we discover that we're good at it. And many of us tend to enjoy doing things we're good at. The passion follows afterward. This reminds me of a quote from Cal Newport: “Passion comes after you put in the hard work to become excellent at something valuable, not before. In other words, what you do for a living is much less important than how you do it.”

As a result, instead of trying to find the one thing in life that you “think” you are most passionate about, why not take time to develop other skills and see where they lead you? Those new skills could lead you on paths to new and greater passions that you never thought of.

So, is there anything that you think you're not good at? Have you tried to spend more than a few minutes to learn how to do it?

You may want to invest some time to find out.

Doing so could uncover a new passion you never considered.