Due Diligence

A few days ago, I came across a piece of article that claimed, among other things, that with people between the ages of 60 and 80, the right and left hemispheres of their brains become more harmonious in working together. This, the article claimed, expands their creative capabilities.

The writer cited multiple sources, including a professor from Canada and the director of the “George Washington University College of Medicine.” It also referenced a study published by a team of doctors and psychologists in the New England Journal of Medicine, a very reputable publication.

Reading about the heightened intellectual abilities during these years of life excited me. My first thought was, "All hope's not lost for me yet!" Then, I began to salivate about the possibilities that lie ahead since I'm less than a decade away from entering that age range.

As a writer and speaker who occasionally uses these types of anecdotes in my writing and speaking, I did what I usually do when I come across information such as this. I dug deeper to find the quoted sources.

I started with the New England Journal of Medicine to find the research study. When nothing came up, I felt that I had missed something. I tried several approaches to the search and still came up empty.

I also checked the reference to the “George Washington University College of Medicine.” I was surprised that there is no such institution. What I found was a “George Washington University School of Medicine and Health Sciences.” Still, that may just have been an honest mistake. Perplexed, I looked through the article again wondering if I missed something.

Then at the bottom of the page, I saw the comments that had been left by a couple of people. They had also searched and couldn't find the cited sources. They concluded that the sources cited were fake or non-existent.

I'm not going to impugn the integrity of the writer and claim that they lied intentionally by citing those sources. I can't do that because I don't really know what happened. All I know is that I and a few others can't find those sources. This could have been due to many reasons.

It's possible the writer made a mistake in citing the sources, thereby making them difficult to find. They may also just be sloppy with quoting sources. Neither of these means that they're intentionally trying to deceive or peddle falsehood.

Unfortunately, in these situations, peddling falsehood is one of the first thoughts that seem to come to the minds of those who tend to be fastidious about getting things right. If you’re not one of those meticulous people, you may be asking, “Who cares?”

Well, maybe you should.

Not paying attention to details can unintentionally communicate things you may not want conveyed about you. Some could accuse you of being dishonest. Others may say you're making things up and passing them off as real. Your character and integrity may be called into question.

Any or all of these could cause you to miss out on opportunities that would have come your way. Your career could be affected or derailed.

It’s possible you could choose to shrug this off. You may say that it’s not important or that it shouldn't matter. You could say something like this rubbing off on you negatively isn't fair.

It may not be, but you're the only one who can do something about that to ensure that it doesn’t impact you. You can choose to do a better job in seeking excellence so that silly mistakes don’t come back to haunt you.

You can ensure that you check and double-check your facts to be sure they’re not fake.

You can do your due diligence.

Curious Benefits

At the beginning of the second chapter of my book, Nothing Higher, I wrote about how my daughter happened to be one of the most inquisitive people I know. Once she could talk, she was always asking questions. The level of curiosity I saw in her at such a young age used to amaze me.

Later, I discovered that we as humans are naturally a curious bunch. The level may vary from one person to the next, but curiosity seems to be instinctive for us, especially when we’re young. It is so ingrained in our psyche, that it helps us learn as babies and enables us to survive as adults.

 As infants, we had to learn an incredible amount of information within a short window of time. Curiosity is one of the major tools we have found to accomplish that massive task. Just imagine what would have happened if as infants, we weren't curious. We wouldn't have learned anything. Our development would have never happened.

I still recollect what happened when Paul, my first son was a toddler. Living in a country where the electricity supply was very epileptic, power failure was a constant feature of our existence. Whenever that happened, we would light a lantern or candle to provide light.

As a toddler, my son was always attracted to the open flame of the candle. Several times, we would run to carry him away just before he touched the flame. But each time, he would crawl right back, drawn to the flame. One day, I got tired of running after him, so I told my wife that we should just leave him and let me touch the flame. I thought once he did, and experienced the consequences, he was unlikely to go back to it.

At first, she thought that was a ridiculous idea. Why would she allow her son to get burned? But eventually, she also got tired of rescuing him. When he finally touched the flame, felt the pain, and cried, he was never drawn to the flame anymore. He learned from the experience of his curiosity.

By trying something new, especially out of curiosity, we learn what works and what doesn't. We figure out what's dangerous and what's safe. But more importantly, it's because of curiosity we've seen the many advances in human history.

Attempting to answer the questions, “Why?” and “What if?” and then backing them up with actions have brought us innovations from airplanes to smartphones and everything in between.

It seems that for some of us, however, our curious side fades as we get older. We settle into a pattern and we're no longer hungry. We stop seeking and searching. We embrace the status quo.

When we do, it’s a disservice to us. Apart from all the innovative gadgets and tools we’ve come up with throughout human history, all kinds of research have also linked curiosity with many personal psychological, emotional, social, and health benefits.

You’re happier when you’re curious. It boosts your accomplishments. It helps you develop the skill of empathy. It strengthens your mental muscles as you constantly exercise them. It improves your memory. And it helps in strengthening your relationships.

So what are you waiting for?

Give your mind that much-needed workout.

Set Yourself Free

At the college where I completed my undergraduate studies, one of the two female dormitories was completed in 1956. Named "Queen Elizabeth II Hall," the formal opening ceremony was performed by the queen while on a visit to Nigeria in February of that year.

Since after my time at the University of Ibadan, anytime I hear anything about Queen Elizabeth II, my mind immediately goes back to “Queen's Hall”, as many of us who studied in that college referred to that hall of residence. That’s what came to my mind when I heard of the passing of the British monarch a few days ago.

I've never been a close watcher of the inner workings of the royal family, so I'm neither a fan nor a detractor. I do know that when it comes to the British Empire, many people around the world have strong feelings. The reason for this is not that difficult to decipher since the British, at the peak of their empire, colonized about a fourth of the planet.

Despite that, I've been surprised by the level of viciousness with which some people have responded to the death of the queen. Even before her passing last Thursday, when news reports initially said she was in grave conditions, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University tweeted what I thought is one of the most vindictive statements I've come across: “I heard the chief monarch of a thieving raping genocidal empire is finally dying. May her pain be excruciating.”

The reactions to her tweet were swift. While Twitter deleted it (saying it had violated the platform’s rules), Uju Anya continued to defend her beliefs, saying “There’s not going to be any apology from me. I stand by what I said.”

Despite widespread criticism of her comments, including an official statement from Carnegie Mellon (calling her statement “offensive and objectionable,”) Anya doubled down on her stance. In a follow-up tweet, she wrote, “If anyone expects me to express anything but disdain for the monarch who supervised a government that sponsored the genocide that massacred and displaced half my family and the consequences of which those alive today are still trying to overcome, you can keep wishing upon a star.”

Even though many mourned the queen's passing and celebrated her longevity and 70-year reign, the majority of the condemnations from other quarters were mainly denunciations of the British monarchy’s legacy of colonial violence and exploitation. Professor Anya took this a little further.

Her vicious statements were made because of what happened during the Nigerian civil war in the late 1960s when a secession attempt by a part of the country was quelled. She seemed to be blaming the British for aiding the Nigerian government to crush the breakaway attempt. More than 1 million people were lost during that period of unnecessary bloodshed.

But I'm not here to relitigate what happened decades ago. Personally, my prayers and thoughts are with everyone in the royal family as they mourn the loss of the Queen.

The first thing I wondered about on seeing Anya's tweet was the state of her heart. I could only imagine the amount of hatred rummaging around in her heart, and the level of damage this must be doing to her. Her anger and hatred are not just towards the queen. It is towards what she represented as the head of the British monarchy.

With Prince Andrews' scandals and the falling out of Prince Harry and Meghan Markel dominating the news over the past few years, it's not too far-fetched to imagine that each time something from the royal family comes out, that deep hatred digs in and puts another hook into Anya's heart. What we saw in her tweets was just a symptom of something that's been growing in her heart for decades.

Here's what I know: hate is a strong force that destroys. It's a poison that eventually kills the hater. I recollect a quote from Matshona Dhliwayo: "Hatred destroys you before it destroys the ones you hate." The negative emotions that accompany hate anytime the subject of the hatred is remembered strips you of your creative mental energy. You are the one who loses. You are the one who gets destroyed.

Please don't let that happen to you. Don't let hatred destroy you. Make efforts to forgive.

Forgiveness sets the prisoner free. You are that prisoner.

Set yourself free.

An Anchor for Hope

A few months into the COVID-19 pandemic, all hope seemed lost for many people when work stopped and their means of livelihood suddenly evaporated. There was no end in sight as no one knew when all the lockdowns would end.

At the peak of the pandemic, a sense of hopelessness was everywhere. For many, it was despair beyond description. Losing hope is a very tough situation to be in. And when you've lost hope, you've lost everything.

First of all, let's agree on a definition of hope.

I define hope simply as the belief that my tomorrow will be better than today. People tend to lose hope when they're unable to see how their current helpless situation could improve in the near future.

From my perspective, there's one thing that I found common to most people who lose hope - the lack of a strong anchor onto which their hope could be moored. A ship's anchor holds it in place when the waves beat against it.

In the same way, our hope needs an anchor when the storms of life come. I believe every one of us needs a strong anchor to prevent us from descending into the depths of despair and hopelessness.

Do you know what yours is? Do you have a strong anchor to hold you when the storms of life come? For me, my faith is that anchor.

To be clear, I don't think having faith means being religious. Many of us tend to connect faith to religious activities but I think they're very different. Someone could be very religious and not have a strong faith. I've also come across irreligious people who are full of faith.

In my short existence on this planet, I have had my share of struggles, whether it's with my finances or interpersonal relationships. Each time I've experienced any such struggle, my faith in God has provided the support I needed.

Even when I'm tired, overwhelmed, burnt out, or grieving, I still felt God's love wrap around me like a comforting blanket. Each time, I could feel the peace of God in my soul despite the storms that surrounded me.

Having hope doesn't mean you deny or attempt to avoid your pains and helplessness. In fact, it means acknowledging it. Having hope helps you focus on the positive instead of allowing the negatives of your current circumstances to overwhelm you. A focus on the positive gives you the clarity of mind to think about steps you can take. It helps you see what's possible.

When my speaking engagements dried up after COVID hit the planet, the hope that tomorrow will be better helped me refocus my efforts on what I could control. With no travels because of the pandemic, I was able to finish and publish my book, Nothing Higher. I also had time to think about and develop a few on-demand masterclass sessions.

The kind of storm life throws at you doesn't matter. Having hope that is anchored in faith will help you weather the storms. So, if you're struggling, and you can't see any hope in sight, reach out to someone you can trust to help.

You can reach out to me if you think I've earned enough of your trust. I'm not saying I have all the answers, but I may be able to help point you in the right direction.

You've literally got nothing to lose and a lot to gain. Reach out and find that anchor for hope.

Stubborn Weeds

In the middle of the United States where I live, the summer heat can be brutal. Most people who are not familiar with the midwestern part of the country tend to be surprised that we get the two extremes of temperatures each year.

It can be as hot as 100°F (roughly 37.8°C) in July/August during the peak of summer. Yet, roughly 6 months later during the coldest of winter, high daily temperatures can dip to 0°F (-17.8°C) or less. Factor in the wind chills and you could turn into a popsicle within a few minutes if you get caught outside in those frigid temperatures.

For those of us who live in the suburbs, our lawns usually take a beating during those summer months of insane heat. The luscious green turns into a field of dry, bristle brown grass. Last week, as I surveyed my yard, I couldn't help but notice a few patches of green in some spots. Closer examinations reveal what those green patches were.

Weeds!

I'm one person who is fastidious about ensuring that things stay where they belong. And I definitely don't think weeds belong on my lawn. So, I tend to follow a strict regimen of weeding and feeding my lawn each year.

But no matter how much effort I put into it, a few of the weeds would simply not go away. You get rid of them in one spot and they sprout up in another. The most perplexing of it all is that even during the summer heat when most of the grass is dying from thirst, the few weeds tend to thrive and blossom.

A few days ago, I went around the yard, manually uprooting the weeds within my field of vision. As I did this, I couldn't help but think about the ones I couldn't get to because of time. I hadn't planned on pulling out weeds at that time, I just couldn't stand the thought of leaving them there any longer.

I also wondered about how long it would be before they grow back.

Soon, this got me thinking about habits and how they're so difficult to get rid of once they are formed. Also, for some reason, it seems bad, unwanted habits tend to form easily, just like those weeds. They creep in unawares and before you know it, they’ve taken over your life.

Do you pay attention to those things you tend to do repeatedly without much thought? That's basically what habits are. And because we don't think really into those behaviors, we most likely do not recognize whether or not they're serving us.

My challenge for you this week is that you simply begin paying attention to your habits. I'm sure you've probably developed a few good ones. Do you know what they are? What benefits do they bring you?

Take stock and identify the benefits you get from your good habits.

What about the bad ones? Do you have any of those? If you can't think of any, I suggest you ask those closest to you - that's if you're brave enough. Most of us don't like others pointing out our bad habits. But I think you'll be doing yourself a world of good if you embrace this from time to time and ask those who know you best.

After all, you can't begin to change something if you don't know how it's impeding your progress. And I'm sure you don't want anything to cut short your life’s success.

Do you?

More Than Adequate

At the end of one of my seminars in Orlando a couple of months ago, one of the participants (let's call him Joe) walked up to me and said, "Sunny, thank you for addressing your accent at the start of the course."

He said this to me because of how I began the class . . .

At the start of this particular 2-day class on emotional intelligence, I usually jokingly reference my unique accent. I do this because of the unconscious emotional reactions many people have to unfamiliar accents being heard the first time.

I began doing this about 5 years ago anytime I teach this class and I've received varied responses since then. But this was the first time someone had actually thanked me for doing it.

And I realized it's most likely because Joe also speaks with an accent that's unfamiliar to most North American ears.

For many who speak with an accent that's different from that of most people around them, it can create uncomfortable situations for them. This could, in turn, manifest in different ways:

• Not speaking in work meetings even when they have great ideas

• Refraining from engaging in discussions with coworkers

Many of these people shy away from addressing the elephant in the room because of how uncomfortable they feel. Without saying the words, it felt as if Joe was thanking me for showing him a way to handle that elephant.

If you're like Joe, remember that:

• Everyone has an accent. Yours is only being noticed only because there are not many like you in that environment.

• You are valuable to your company. Your ideas and contributions are important. If not, you won't have a job. So, speak up!

• You speak with an accent because you most likely speak more than one language. Your diversity of background adds immense value to your team and your company.

 Instead of feeling awkward, embrace your gift and uniqueness in being multi-lingual. It is estimated that between 60-75% of the world's population speaks at least two languages, so you're in the majority.

Bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger was ridiculed for his accent while trying to break into Hollywood. He not only became the terminator. He was California's Governator!

You don't need to feel small or inadequate. In fact, you are more than adequate. You have something great to say and contribute to this world.

Say it in your beautiful accent!

Unconditional Compassion

Two separate events last week got me thinking about something. They happened three days apart on different continents. One was a discussion with one of my cousins. The other happened at a party over the weekend.

 What I realized from these events wasn't really a surprise. It's something I've been aware of for a while. Those events simply made me see it with a fresh perspective.

 I'm sure by now you're wondering what it was.

 It's the realization that my compassion seems to be reserved for those who have not been mean, nasty, and malicious towards me.

 It doesn't matter how close the person is to me, if they've shown a pattern of being nasty and disrespectful to me, my compassion for them tends to register at very low levels - that is if it exists at all. And this happens without my conscious awareness.

Does this make me a heartless person?

I hope not!

The interesting thing is that I think of myself as a compassionate person, at least per dictionary definition. The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines compassion as a consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it.

I know that when I come across someone suffering or needing help, I always have this desire to do something about it. Sometimes, I would move mountains to make it happen no matter what it costs me.

Still, I've discovered that my desire to alleviate such suffering is usually proportional to how they've treated me in the past.

If I had no history with the person, my compassion for them is usually at very high levels. It's even higher for people that I know and who I like. However, if my history with them had been one of being denigrated and disrespected, I found that my unconscious compassion for them is usually low or non-existent.

When something that requires a compassionate response happens to such a person, my initial unconscious reaction tends to be along the lines of, "You brought this on yourself. Now you get to suffer the consequences!"

Of course, I'm usually not thinking that, but that's what my initial inaction seems to communicate. This is especially true if I have previously warned them against taking the steps that landed them in the predicament necessitating the need for a compassionate response.

That's when you want to say, "Good for you! I told you so!"

But in my heart, I know that's not a good response. Neither is it an empathetic one, so I never say those words. But I'm thinking it! And it shows in my behavior towards them because I take minimal steps (or do nothing) to help them.

As I thought of this yesterday, it occurred to me that how others have treated us in the past should not be a barometer for how we show them compassion in the present. I think our desire to be compassionate should come from our shared common humanity. It shouldn't hinge on how more or less we liked them.

As I thought of ways to combat this tendency, a series of steps that I usually teach during my emotional intelligence seminars came to mind. I call it Conscious Directional Thinking (CDT). When adapted for this specific scenario, it consists of the following few simple steps: 

1. Take time to think about how the person has treated you and acknowledge to yourself how their behavior has hurt you. There's no need to sugarcoat it.

2. Next, make an excuse for them to explain their actions. For example, they probably didn't realize the extent of the damage they've caused. This is more difficult than it seems but it can be done.

3. Then, make a conscious decision to show them compassion even if you think they don't deserve it. It's a decision you're choosing to make based on who you are and not on what they've done.

4. Decide on the actual steps you would take to show them compassion.

5. Take action on those steps.

When you practice these steps consistently, I have no doubt you'll begin to see your compassion level go up, especially toward those who have spurned you in the past.

As I wrap up this newsletter, I'd love for you to respond to this question. Do you also find yourself unconsciously responding the way I described towards people who have been nasty and disrespectful to you?

Or am I the only weird one?

The Toxic Manager

More than two decades ago, after about a year in a new job, my manager informed me that my job did not belong on the salary scale it was placed. He said it belonged on a higher scale, so I needed to be promoted.

In order for this to happen, the job had to be re-evaluated to find its appropriate salary band. Since I was the one on the job, he told me to rewrite the job description to reflect what I was actually doing. As a starting point, he gave me the existing job description which was written about a year earlier when the position was created.

Excited, I worked feverishly on the task for about two weeks to ensure that all bases were covered. I delivered my final product to him and then . . .

Nothing happened.

For several months.

Then, I discovered that the set of documents I had produced was sitting at the bottom of the stack of his physical inbox of documents. Those were the days when there were physical Inbox and Outbox trays containing piles of papers on most managers' desks.

Thinking the documents got where I found them by accident, I moved them to the top of his Inbox.

But a week later, they had miraculously found their way back to the bottom of the pile. That's when I knew it wasn't a mistake. It seemed he was just going to seat on it. The urgency with which he had told me to prepare the documents was gone.

I gave it another couple of months to be sure I wasn't mistaken.

When I was certain he wasn't going to do anything, I took my case to his boss, who was the head of our department. I was careful not to accuse my manager of anything. I simply asked his boss about the status of my job re-evaluation which was supposed to have started about 6 months prior.

His boss told me he knew nothing about it. Then he asked me to give him a copy of the information I had put together.

A week later, he walked into my office and told me we had a strong case and that he would be taking it up with Human Resources. The promotion happened within a reasonable time.

My manager knew nothing about the entire long and arduous process it took. He only found out when he was copied on a letter sent to me by HR, inviting me to the promotion interview. He was furious but said nothing to me. I found out how he felt about a year later when he told me himself.

But he had proven to me that I couldn't trust him.

So, when I decided to leave the company about a year later, I didn't tell him. I sought advice instead from his manager and his manager's supervisor, who was my functional head. These people were great allies who supported and advocated for me every step of the way.

My manager's modus operandi was to suppress those he believed were threats to his own position. I saw this behavior not only in how he dealt with me but with most of us who reported to him. He was a toxic manager in an otherwise good company.

I've seen a lot written lately about toxic workplaces. Most of the blame for toxic workplaces have been placed at the feet of toxic leaders, and rightly so.

But I think this blame is misplaced.

It's true that toxic leaders are responsible for creating toxic work environments. They're the main reason for low levels of employee engagement. Many people leave companies because of them. Still, I don't think they're the root of the problem.

I don't think we should blame them completely.

𝑰 𝒃𝒆𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒗𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒖𝒍𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒔𝒑𝒐𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒃𝒊𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒍𝒊𝒆𝒔 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒐 𝒑𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒑 𝒑𝒐𝒔𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔.

These are the real architects of toxic workplace culture.

When an organization has a flawed approach to evaluating leadership potential, most of its leaders will be flawed and crooked. I have seen situations in which being arrogant and brash were seen as positive leadership traits. They mistake such arrogant display of confidence for competence.

So they elevate these people, who in turn bring down the fortunes of their organization. It's only after their dysfunction is easily apparent that they realize their mistake. Then they hurriedly get rid of these toxic leaders.

And replace them with other toxic leaders.

Why?

Because toxic tend to use flawed approaches to pick the next set of toxic leaders. What this ensures is that the vicious cycle of toxic and incompetent leadership continues full throttle. That's until sanity is restored, or the organization is destroyed.

This then begs the question: How should an organization evaluate leadership potential?

I recently came across an interesting and simple assessment. It calculates your probability of being an incompetent leader. The assessment asks 9 simple questions and takes less than a minute to complete. Yet, it's been found to be surprisingly accurate.

As a leader or aspiring leader, I dare you to take it!

You can also encourage your entire leadership team to take it. Here's the link to it.

And if you're bold enough, share your results in the comments below. Tell us your probability of being an incompetent leader.

Character is All

Just over a week ago, I came across the story of a man in Chile who was accidentally paid more than 300 times his monthly salary. Can you guess what he did when he found out?

 He took the money and ran!

 The unnamed man discovered that he had been paid nearly £150,000 for a month's work instead of the usual £450. When he found the staggering amount paid into his account, he initially told his manager, who then flagged it to the company's Human Resources Department.

He agreed to go to the bank the next day and promised to return the cash. He apparently had a change of mind, withdrew the entire amount, and disappeared into thin air.

It reminds me of a saying I came across a long time ago that said, "You cannot say you're an honest person until you find yourself in a situation where you have to choose between your reputation and a huge life-changing sum of money."

I very much doubt that our Chilean friend would be interested in throwing his hat into the ring for the "World's Most Honest Person" competition anytime soon. But I came across a few people who may be in the running for that title. One of them was a Goodwill employee from Norman, Oklahoma in the United States.

For those who may not be aware, Goodwill Industries International (often shortened to Goodwill) is an American non-profit organization that provides job training and a variety of other community-based programs for people who have barriers to their employment. Most of the goods and resources they provide are often donated by kind-hearted people from the various countries in which they operate.

Andrea Lessing was sorting through a pile of donations at the Goodwill location where she worked when she felt something odd and hard between two sweaters. She suspected they would be books, but unwrapped them to find stacks of cash - what turned out to be a total sum of US$42,000.

Lessing didn't think twice about whether or not to report the money. With the help of some documentation about the donation, Goodwill was able to track down the owner of the cash and return the money. A few people made the argument that the $42,000 did not mean much to her because she must have a lot of money. If not, she would have kept it, they argued.

However, after her good deed was rewarded with $1,000 cash, she said the owner's generosity lifted a huge burden off her shoulders. If a $1,000 gift lifted a huge burden, you can only imagine how much easier $42,000 would have made her life.

In an interview, Lessing said it was important for her 6-year-old daughter to see the importance of honesty. She further stated: "With every decision I make, I have to think about whether I would want my daughter to follow in my footsteps. I want her to know that kindness, integrity, and honesty can get you a lot of places in life."

I agree with her on that last sentence. Character, integrity, and honesty will take you places you'd never dreamed of. They will open doors for you. Even if they don't, at least you'd be able to rest easy and sleep well at night. I seriously doubt that our Chilean friend would stop looking over his shoulders anytime soon.

I once heard someone say, "Reputation is what others think you are. Character is who you really are." You may have a good reputation, but does it match up with who you are in private? I do believe that when we take care of our character, our reputation takes care of itself.

You and I must consider if who we are in private matches our public persona. You may not have escaped with your company's £150,000, but could there be other areas in which you're doing something similar even if it's on a smaller scale?

I once had a colleague who would spend more than $50 every night on a steak dinner during business travels just because the company policy allowed it. Once in a while was okay but every night during each business trip? And in a department where most people travel more than 50% of the time, that can add up very quickly. It took our supervisor asking him if he would spend his own money the same way for the behavior to stop.

I've seen quite a number of people straddle that line between integrity and compromise many times while hoping that no one was paying attention. Even when what you're doing does not infringe on your company's rules and procedures, would a casual observer think something fishy is going on?

As J. C. Watts noted, "Character is doing what's right when nobody's looking." Do you err on the side of doing the right thing even when it’s obvious that no one will find out?

I think that's a good question for me and you to ask ourselves in everything we do.

After all, character is all.

Where did the time go?

With what do you occupy yourself?

In case you're wondering what I'm asking you, let me ask the question another way.

How do you spend your time?

This question is as insightful as it's simple. As I wrote a couple of weeks ago, many of us always seem to be busy. We never have enough time for the many things we'd like to do.

But have you stopped to really consider what you're actually spending your time on?

When you take stock of what you're choosing to allocate your time to, the results may be very revealing. And you really do have the choice to allocate your time in any way you want, even though you may not be consciously exercising it.

I've seen people who are bored out of their existence, who then spend endless time scrolling through Netflix looking for something to watch. I don't think there's anything wrong with trying to relax by streaming content, but it seems we sometimes use behaviors like this as a kind of escape from our real-world problems.

Still, by the time we're done, our problems are still there. We feel worse than we were at the beginning but have wasted valuable time that could have been spent on solving those problems. For most people, the smartphone has become that constant source of distraction that we reach for, even when we don't really have any need for it.

Based on self-reported data from a research, the average person touches their smartphone about 2,617 times each day. Just let that sink in for a moment.

2,617 times every single day!!!

Can you imagine the amount of time we lose every day by doing this?

This is the main reason that I turned off every notification on my phone, except for texts and phone calls. I do that because I don't want that pocket-sized computer dominating every aspect of my existence.

And that's exactly what our smartphones do - dominate our lives. If you think about it, when something dominates your life, it takes up most of your time.

The research on the number of times we touch our phones each day concluded that this habit leads to less productivity, poorer relationships, and memory loss. In short, we're worse off when we allow these devices to take over control of our lives.

There are many approaches to dealing with this, but I'll share just a few simple ones that I’ve found effective.

1. Schedule device time. Be intentional about planning the times of day you will check your device for messages and notifications. Of course, incoming phone calls could interrupt that, but how many people really use their phones to make calls anymore?

2. Mute notifications. When your device notifies you of incoming posts or status updates by your numerous "friends" every few seconds, it can be difficult to ignore it. It's better to turn off those notifications. Not knowing about those alerts is a great way to avoid distractions. Ignorance is definitely bliss here. The world won't end if you don't know about and respond to your notifications right away.

3. Keep your device farther away. Find specific locations away from you, in which to keep your smartphone at home and at work. When the device is always available at arm's length, it's easy to grab a hold of it and get constantly hooked. But when you have to walk a few paces to go get it each time you need it, you'll probably think twice about doing so.

These simple tips will take some discipline to practice daily, especially if your smartphone has already become an easily identifiable appendage. But, you can turn these into habits within a short time if you stick with them.

So, stick with them.

They will keep distractions and busyness at bay, and you'll be surprised to see that you now have more time to spend on creative, life-changing endeavors.

It will change your life.

Give Yourself a Break

Do you know that you could enjoy doing something, yet it can at times feel like drudgery?

That's what happened to me about a week ago.

The previous week was very busy for me. Ironically, that was the week I wrote about how busy many of us claim to be. That week ended with a family road trip over the weekend that prevented me from finishing the newsletter that should have gone out last week.

During the 6-hour drive back home that Sunday, I tried to put the newsletter together but I was mentally exhausted. I wasn't driving, so I thought I should be able to pull it off. I knew some of you would be expecting that edition first thing Monday morning, and I was determined to deliver come hell or high water. But it was like pulling teeth.

Then, it struck me.

I realized that I was putting undue pressure on myself to deliver in spite of everything screaming at me that I should take a break. Because of the trip and the activities that weekend, my sleep had been cut short during the previous two nights. The fatigue was now catching up with me.

I was tired, both physically and mentally.

Yes, I have a personal commitment to delivering the newsletter to you weekly. That's one of the reasons I've tried in the past to inform you ahead of time whenever anything tried to derail that commitment. My sense of obligation won't let me do otherwise.

I eventually realized what was going on and decided you didn't put that expectation on me. I put it on myself. So I decided to just stop, skip that newsletter altogether and not even tell you about it! And most of you didn't even notice.

Okay, maybe you did 😄 But can you relate to this?

Have you ever engaged in an activity regularly and consistently that you sometimes feel a sense of obligation to continue?

And when specific situations arise, preventing you from delivering, do you sometimes feel that you're letting people down?

You most likely do.

I think it’s time for you to give yourself a break.

I want to be careful here and say that this is not an excuse to avoid delivering on what you've promised, especially if people are counting on you. Doing so is a quick way toward destroying your own credibility.

That’s not what I'm speaking of here.

Even if people are depending on you, the message I want to pass along here is that you prioritize your own mental health. Some of us are running on mental fumes in the name of being relevant and delivering on what we think others expect of us.

You need to give yourself a break sometimes. You need to know your body well enough that you allow it to rest and rejuvenate whenever it needs it. It's even better when you're proactive and take regular rests before your body starts screaming for help.

It's my hope that leaders in organizations can become more attuned to when their people need this kind of break, and actively ask them to do so.

This is beyond their taking a PTO (paid time off) or vacation day. Many people don't take PTO just to rest. We spend our vacation time doing more stuff. In the end, we return even more tired than when we left.

This has resulted in people just dropping dead suddenly due to stress. Don't do this to yourself. There are people counting on you. There are people who will suffer if you suddenly break down or you're gone.

Think about them, and take good care of yourself.

Just take a break once in a while.

Comfort in the Wrong Places

I called an old friend a couple of weeks ago to ask how he was doing. He responded, "it's been crazy-busy."

Over the years, I've found out that this same sentiment seems to be the typical response many of us give to the question, "How are you?"

Ask anyone how things are going and the reply tends to range from busy to very busy with everything in-between. Other times, we go on about how much we run helter-skelter from one thing to another on a daily basis.

Everyone seems to be busy these days. Or maybe some of us are just pretending to be busy.

Whatever is driving our need to be busy or to appear busy, it seems to me that the root of this is our need to feel important; to be worthy. Important people are always busy doing something, right? They're not idle.

This is a lie many have bought into.

It seems to me that we numb our feelings of unworthiness with work and staying busy. We think that if we stay busy enough, the real truth of our lives won't catch up with us.

Some have used other equally dangerous means for numbing - illegal drugs, prescription drugs, alcohol, food, sex, sports, online gaming, social media, and a few other good things that we can use in negative ways. We can use these to numb the pains that come from our feelings of inadequacy.

While many of the things we use to numb ourselves may not be bad in themselves, the reason we use them is the real difference. In her book, The Life Organizer, Jennifer Louden says we use these things as "shadow comforts." We think they're providing us with momentary comfort, but in reality, they're just casting their long shadows over our miserable lives.

Louden writes: "You can eat a piece of chocolate as a holy wafer of sweetness - a real comfort, or you can cram an entire chocolate bar into your mouth without even tasting it in a frantic attempt to soothe yourself - a shadow comfort."

So, it's not really what you do. It's your reason for doing it.

It's therefore important for us to start thinking about the motivation behind the choices we make. This requires a great deal of reflection and self-examination. Unfortunately, these are two things many of us don't do very well, so it takes being intentional to pull them off.

Here are three ways to approach this: 

1. Carve out regular time to think and reflect. Ask yourself what you're using for numbing and why. Are you working hard to avoid a difficult conversation with people closest to you? Are you using fast food to get shadow comfort as an escape from your feelings of inadequacy? Only you can answer that for yourself. And you should be brutally honest with yourself.

2. Consider what you can use to replace your current sources of shadow comfort. Could it be a healthy snack instead of comfort food? Could you take a walk, and get some fresh air instead of indulging in video games for hours on end?

3. Find a trusted accountability partner. Share your struggles with someone and tell them what you've decided to do. Ask them to hold you accountable in your quest to replace current sources of shadow comfort.

What's really important is for you to consider if your current behavioral choices are truly nourishing your spirit or if they are temporary reprieves providing shadow comfort, which ultimately leaves you feeling empty.

You owe it to yourself to find out and pursue living a life that is truly worthy of your standing and stature.

And you truly are worthy.

Perfectly Imperfect

I have to confess that I'm a recovering perfectionist. For as long as I could remember, I've always wanted things to be done so well that there are no ways to improve them.

For a while when my kids were young, if they came home from school with a 98% grade in a class, my first thought was always, "What happened to the other 2%? 100% is the goal; why are we leaving the other 2% on the table?"

My mantra was always "anything worth doing at all is worth doing well." I abhorred mediocrity. As a result, I was always reluctant to take on anything that I didn't think I could do exceptionally well.

The problem with this attitude is that you never try to do many things.

When you think about it, you’d realize that none of us arrived on this planet knowing how to do anything. Each of us was a blank slate as babies. We learned as we grew and we discovered our affinity for some things over others. We found out that doing some things came naturally for us while others did not.

We also discovered what we're good at by taking that first step to try them out, at a time we didn't know what we were doing. Isn't it then ironic that after we discovered we're good at some things by first trying them out, we stopped trying other things out simply because we've not done them before, ergo we think we're not good at them?

That seems illogical but that's what many of us tend to do. And some of us justify our reluctance by invoking our hatred for mediocrity. I know this because I was one of those people.

To be clear, not only did I abhor mediocrity, I still do. I still despise delivering mediocre results. But I've since discovered that striving for excellence in all you do is not the same as wanting everything to be perfect.

Author, speaker, and shame researcher Brené Brown wrote that perfectionism is "the belief that if we do things perfectly and look perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame." In her research, Brown also discovered that "perfectionism is, at its core, about trying to earn approval."

The secret drive of perfectionism is to please others. It can be addictive and self-destructive. It sets us up to feel shame, judgment, and blame. Brown also noted that the antidote to perfectionism is in learning to appreciate the beauty in cracks. Understanding that no one is perfect and that we all have flaws and cracks in our lives is a necessary first step in moving away from the allure of perfectionism.

A few years ago, I learned about the ancient Japanese art of embracing imperfection called Kintsugi. It involves repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer that has been dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. The practice seeks to highlight the imperfections caused by the cracks, rather than hide them.

Kintsugi is used not only to teach calm when a cherished piece of pottery breaks, but it is also a reminder of the beauty of human fragility as well. It is used as a prompt to stay optimistic when things fall apart. It is a signal to celebrate the flaws and missteps of life because life isn't perfect. It will never be.

So, rather than allowing our flaws and missteps to drain our joy, we can accept it, knowing that the only thing perfect about us is our imperfection.

Yes, you are perfectly imperfect.

Embrace it with joy.

Not the Same Language

The first language shock I received after relocating to the United States more than two decades ago happened almost immediately on arrival. To be clear, I have spoken the English language all my life, so I wasn't expecting a language difference.

Imagine how wrong that turned out to be!

The first encounter with this difference came soon. My employer then was Siemens, and my first assignment was working as part of a team of engineers on a project for our customer, Anheuser-Busch.

The majority of the work was being done out of one of the customer's buildings in downtown St. Louis, and my team had an administrative professional assigned to work with us. Her name was Pat.

One day, I approached Pat at her desk to ask for something I needed.

Me: Pat, can I please have some gum?

Pat: I'm sorry, Sunny. I don't have gum.

Me (looking confused): But I've seen it here on your desk before.

Pat: I think you're mistaken. There has never been gum on my desk.

Me (still not convinced): I see it there all the time! It's usually here on this corner of your desk (pointing to a spot on her desk). I even saw it earlier today, so I know it's always there.

Pat (now becoming agitated): I don't know what you're talking about, Sunny! There's never been gum anywhere on my desk. I don't chew gum. I've never chewed gum in my life, so I have no gum.

Me (now surprised): Chew gum? I'm not talking about the gum you chew! I'm asking for the one you use to stick or bond things together, like an adhesive.

Pat: Oh! You mean glue!

Me: Yes, glue. But where I'm from, we call it gum.

Pat: Really?! Then what do you call the gum you chew.

Me: Chewing gum.

That moment began my education in the differences between American English and British English. There were many more to follow over the years.

 One time, I asked a taxi driver taking me home from the airport if his trafficator wasn't working because he wasn't using it as he weaved in and out of traffic. He responded with, "I don't have a trafficator."

"Your car comes with it. Is it broken?"

"No, I don't have it because I don't know what it is."

"It's that signaling light on the four corners of your car indicating the direction in which you're about to turn."

"Oh! You mean the blinkers!"

"You call them blinkers?! I guess that makes sense. They blink!"

 Another time, someone saw me one day, and said, "I love your pants." I was mortified! How did she see my pants? Is it showing up because I didn't tuck in my shirt properly?  I later found out she meant my trousers. What she called "pants", was to me, underwear.

And there were many more:

Queue vs. Line

Angry vs. Mad

Lorry vs. Truck

Lift vs. Elevator

Hood vs. Bonnet

Cooker vs. Stove

Nappy vs. Diaper

Sweets vs. Candy

Biscuit vs. Cookie

Flat vs. Apartment

Silencer vs Muffler

Curtains vs. Drapes

Spanner vs. Wrench

Holiday vs. Vacation

Wardrobe vs. Closet

Chips vs. French Fries

Braces vs. Suspenders

Pavement vs. Sidewalk

Windscreen vs. Windshield

Roundabout vs. Traffic Circle

Boot vs. Trunk (in case you're wondering, this is the rear side of a car)

Toilet vs. Restroom (I've always wondered who goes into a toilet to rest!)

 These and many more were a source of frustration to me at the beginning. Now, more than 20 years later, I'm used to them. As a speaker with audiences around the world, I've found ways to speak to specific audiences using the terms they understand.

It also helps that most people outside of North America get the meaning easily when you use the American words instead of the British ones. The only few moments of trouble are when those British words hiding in my subconscious slip out of their hiding place to an American audience, and I get some blank stares in the room.

Usually, I quickly realize my mistake and correct it.

The process of change is difficult for most of us, especially when you didn't anticipate it. You thought you knew the language, but you really didn't! I can only imagine the magnitude of the change for those arriving in a country with a language that is completely different from the ones they've spoken all of their lives.

But many people have weathered that storm. If they can, we all can do it also. All we need is a little bit of patience and resilience. This is true for languages, and it's true for many of the changes we go through as human beings.

Still, even though it's not the same as trying to speak German when French is all you've spoken all your life, I still hold firmly to the belief that American English and British English are not the same languages.

If you disagree, I may have to ask my attorney to speak with your barrister!

Waiting for Success

I have a small garden in my backyard. Every year, I plant a few fruits and vegetables in it.

A couple of months ago, I planted some seeds in small pots and kept them inside the house where the warmer temperature would allow them to germinate before I transplant them into the garden once it's warm enough outside.

Despite my diligence, it's been interesting to see that not all the seeds I planted have germinated. Some have refused to sprout at all. Others have not shown any noticeable growth over the past month. But I didn't discard them. I continued to care for those plants.

I'm confident that some (if not all) of them will eventually produce fruits.

Most of us know the process of seed germination and growth very well. When you plant a seed, you don’t harvest the fruit or the produce from it right away. It takes time for the seed to grow and be nurtured before you can get a harvest from it.

This is a natural law. And this Law of Gestation applies to many things in life. The law says that everything takes time to manifest; to be evident. Most things in nature don’t materialize immediately. They don’t happen by fiat.

Even then, there are times we expect things to happen a little faster. But a wrong expectation doesn't change natural laws. They only bring disappointments.

About a year ago when I planted corn seeds, I expected them to sprout in 3 days. When they didn't, I began to wonder what was wrong. My mind went back to my high school days when I took a class called Agricultural Science.

The practical part of that class required you to plant different seeds on an assigned plot on the school farm. You nurtured them to full growth and your grade was partly determined by how well they did. Corn (we also called it maize) was the most common thing planted. From that experience, I seemed to recollect that they sprouted after 3 days of planting the seeds.

I was wrong!

Could it be that the seeds were different? Was the soil more fertile?

Anyway, for the seeds I planted last year, I eventually took a look at the packet in which they came, and it clearly said it takes up to 7 days to germinate. How did I miss that before? I think I just ignored the instructions. I thought I knew better.

True to form, I saw the first of the corn seeds sprout on the 6th day. To compound the situation, each seed has a different gestational period. For example, tomato seeds can sometimes take up to 21 days before you begin seeing any sign of life.

Between the time you sow the seed and when you reap the harvest, you must continue to nurture the plant by watering it and clearing the weeds around it. Without such nurturing, it dies.

Still, some seeds never germinate even when planted in the same soil under the same conditions as the ones that do germinate. Some of the tomato and pepper seeds I planted a couple of months ago did not sprout at all.

Was the problem with the seed itself? Was it a planter error? Could it be that I buried the seed too deep that it just gave up on fighting to get through the extra layers of soil?

Whatever the situation, the fact is that the Law of Gestation is true when we plant seeds. It's also true with what we do to achieve success in life. For example, if you're a job seeker, your search for that next job opportunity follows a similar pattern.

You prepare the soil and plant the seeds by researching the companies you want to with while networking and building relationships with those who can help you - recruiters and employees in those companies.

As it is with seeds, some of your efforts will sprout a tiny plant while others will not. In this example, a sprouting plant is analogous to being offered that first interview for some of the positions you applied to. Others don't get the same result.

Some candidates get excited at this stage and they stop connecting, networking or applying to other positions. This is not the time to stop. Yes, you have one or two sprouting plants but you have no harvest yet.

You continue to do your due diligence by preparing for interviews and moving on to the next stages. This is similar to continuing to water the plant, clearing the weeds to allow it to grow, and adding fertilizer (obtaining references) if necessary.

All of these will eventually lead you to a bounty harvest (getting a job offer) as you continue. It's important to remember that the desired result only comes with ongoing effort. You take the actions that you expect will lead you to success, and continue with it. You refine it if needed. You adjust, if necessary.

In general, there are a few things to keep in mind:

• Gestational periods are not created equal. The gestational (or waiting) period before your success shows up after taking actions in a particular area of your life could be completely different from the gestational period before your success shows up after taking actions in another area, just like it's not the same with different plant seeds. You don't quit if you don't see immediate results after a few weeks or months. Depending on what it is, you may need to make adjustments but you don't give up.

• Past achievement is not a guarantee of present success. Actions that may have produced success in the past may not lead to success currently because present conditions and circumstances may not be the same as before. Understand the impact of the times and seasons of life that you're in, and adjust accordingly.

• Have realistic expectations. Ensure that your expectations on when success will arrive are realistic. Even after your planted seed sprouts in 21 days, understand that the tiny plant is not the ultimate fruit you're expecting. After a tomato plant sprouts, you still have to wait a few months before actual tomatoes show up and get ripe for picking. You reap success after you've persevered and done the work.

No matter how tough or rough things are right now, be encouraged. You must persevere. Success comes to those who endure.

This means continuing to do the work by consistently practicing what you’ve learned (just like you water the seed and plant) and regularly removing any distractions (getting rid of the weeds) which can choke your efforts.

Your success will come soon if you don't quit.

Just wait for it

Not About Self-Worth

Have you ever created or developed something that you're afraid of sharing with a group of friends?

Maybe you created a piece of art, wrote an article, whipped up a meal from a recipe you created from scratch or designed a new product.

You've very excited about your creation. You seem proud of your accomplishment.

Still, you're very hesitant to unveil it to friends and family because you don't know how what you've produced will be received.

I think most (if not everyone) of us go through one form or another of this type of hesitation during the different phases of our existence. Sometimes, it happens to us daily. Other times, it hits us intermittently.

The biggest one of these that hit me in recent years has to do with the writing and publication of my book, Nothing Higher.

In the months leading up to the release of the book, I grappled with the thoughts of how it would be received. I imagined that there will be a gaggle of critics armed with their disapprovals and condemnations following its release. I constantly wrestled with thoughts such as:

"Who would anyone want to read the book?"

"What makes you think you can write a book?"

"You're an engineer! Engineers don't write books not related to their technical fields!"

" Who do you think you are to write a book on humility? You're not even a humble person!"

All of these thoughts and more plagued me, becoming stronger as the release date drew nearer.

Truth be told, I had one or more versions of these skeptical thoughts throughout the almost seven years it took me to complete the manuscript. That probably explains why it took that long to get it finished. I was always thinking it wasn't good enough and had many doubts.

These self-limiting beliefs can come at us from different directions.

For you, it may be about sharing your thoughts in a meeting. You could be wondering if others would consider your thoughts run-of-the-mill rather than powerful.

It could be about presenting an innovative idea you have, and you’re wondering if it’s that innovative? You’re flooded with thoughts such as, “if I can think of it, why would others not have thought of it before me? Maybe it's not novel after all!”

For others, it could be about the way they speak -  being conscious of their accent. “Will they understand me?”

These thoughts can run the whole gamut, from the silliest you could imagine, all the way to the biggest moments in your life. But behind every one of them is an attempt to run away from vulnerability.

Most of us recoil from being vulnerable. We don't want our true selves to be known because of rejection. Many times, this goes back to either how we were raised, events that have shaped our lives, or a combination of both. But everything about this usually points to one thing - our worthiness.

We tend to connect others' acceptance of what we're doing to our sense of worth. If they like it, we're worthy. If not, we're worthless. As a result, we refuse to let ourselves be seen. We hide our gifts and talents.

Please allow me to say this loud and clear: your worthiness has nothing to do with your work product. It has nothing to do with what you can do or how well you do it.

Your worthiness has everything to do with the fact that you're human. You're a jewel of inestimable value. You have infinite potential. And you're only limited by how you choose to tap into that potential.

Abraham Maslow was once reputed to have said that human potential is, for all intents and purposes, infinite. You and I have the capacity for greatness, for significance, for excellence. We're limited only by what we choose to do with that capacity.

Keep this in mind the next time you're afraid to show your work or idea to would-be critics. Who cares if they don't think it's good enough?! As long as it's your very best efforts at that moment in time, you should be proud of it. You can only grow from there.

Some of the critical feedback you receive can help you get better and may eventually catapult you into the stratosphere of great achievement and significance. Even then, your self-worth still does not change. Don’t tie your achievement to who you are.

By publishing Nothing Higher, I chose the route of vulnerability. I chose to not allow the fears and doubts to overwhelm me. I focused on who I am - because that's been settled a long time ago. It has nothing to do with how well my book does.

Being successful or having failed in doing something does not matter. You are who you are! That's more important than anything else.

Remember that.

Paid Vacation

When I received a job offer from Siemens in Atlanta one month before I moved to the United States more than 20 years ago, it stated that my employment came with a paid vacation. I thought I knew what that meant.

 I was wrong!

 Having worked with a few organizations as an engineer in Nigeria before leaving for America, my concept of what a paid vacation entails was completely different from what it turned out to be.

 First, when you take a vacation in those days (we call it "leave"), it's usually for anywhere from four to six weeks. Yes, we typically did not take a couple of days of PTO. You take a few weeks to truly get away from work and recharge.

 Also, when you go on vacation, you get paid 10% of your annual salary as a "leave allowance." This was not in place of your monthly salary. It's in addition to it!

 I think you missed what I just said.

 While you're on vacation, you not only get paid your standard monthly salary, you also get an additional amount equal to 10% of your annual salary which, in case you didn't realize it, is more than your monthly salary.

 That was what I knew. So, when I was told that there was a paid vacation with my employment with Siemens, I thought it was the same. I started salivating for my extra 10% pay. But it wasn't to be.

 Yes, I was disappointed when I eventually found out what a "paid vacation" meant. But it wasn't a big deal. I was just thankful that I had a good job waiting for me when I first arrived on the shores of America.

 Have you ever been disappointed when something you were expecting turned out to be another thing completely?

 What was it? How did you handle the disappointment?

Tough to Give and Receive

If I ask how you typically respond to critical feedback, you would most likely say that you take it well. That's until reality smack you in the face. We all know that we need to respond favorably to feedback, but the event itself tends to make us feel belittled. We feel less, so we instinctively fight back to restore our dignity.

And it doesn't matter whether or not the feedback is valid.

In fact, I think our reaction is worse when it's valid. It bruises our ego. Our perceived status is lowered and we feel threatened. We realize that the jig is up. What we've been covering up was now visible for others to see.

When this happens, some of us lash out at the source of the feedback. Others recoil and retreat into a mental fetal position, throwing a pity-party as they ruminate on how they've been victimized. Very few take the feedback in stride and allow it to positively affect them.

Whichever of these postures you take when you're at the receiving end, it helps to remember how difficult it is to provide feedback. No one wants be the bearer of bad news. Yes, there may be some who delight in pointing out where others are wrong. But for most people, it takes an incredible amount of courage to speak up.

So, if you're in a position to help someone shine light on a blind spot, will you do it? Would you shrivel or be courageous under the weight of the responsibility? Some of us avoid it because we feel doing so would hurt the person being given the feedback or bruise their ego.

Wise King Solomon said, "Open rebuke is better than hidden love." Yes, the sting of a critical feedback can be painful at the moment it's given. But I think it hurts more when the long-term consequences of what they're doing wrong eventually catches up with them, and you could have helped to prevent that outcome with a timely feedback.

 Other times, we desist because when we've given similar feedback in the past, it has been met with stonewalling, defensiveness or serious backlash. To avoid any of these, we stay away and leave the person to continue on a path that could be destructive to their career and life.

On the other hand, if you're the type who have a tendency to react negatively to the slightest criticism (as many of us are inclined to do), you must know that doing so is a quick way to shutting the door to valuable future feedback which could be important to your success in life. You could be digging your own grave without realizing it.

 What approach should you then take to positively handle critical feedback? I recommend a simple three-step framework.

1. Ask yourself the following questions. What's the main reason this person is telling me this? Are they trying to put me down and belittle me? Or is it because they love me and want to see me do better? Yes, there are people who will deliver a stinging rebuke for the singular purpose of cutting you down a peg or two, but these instances are very rare. You need to determine if this is the case each time you receive critical feedback. Or could it be that this person truly care about me? More often than not, it’s most likely because they care for you. Even if the manner they deliver the feedback can be better, you must look past their delivery to the content. To be honest, no critical feedback is sweet to the palate, no matter how much you sugarcoat it. Thinking about, and answering these questions can help you calm those initial instinctive first negative emotions after receiving a feedback.

2. Take an honest look at the content of the feedback. Is there any truth in it? Can you at least see what they're saying from their vantage point of view? Don't be quick to dismiss the feedback as invalid. Try to imagine yourself in their shoes and consider if you can see the situation from their perspective especially if you consider their background, life experiences and the knowledge they have about the specific situation.

3. Resist responding right away. This is where many of us drop the ball. Sometimes, while the delivery of the feedback is still in progress, we tune off and stop listening because of the whirlwind of negative emotions coursing through our mind. Most of us will vehemently defend ourselves. Some would even start attacking the feedback giver. We may blame them for getting the facts wrong or accuse them of doing the same thing they're "accusing" us of.

   No matter what you think in that moment, it's best to not respond the way you're thinking. Even if you know right away that their assessment is incorrect, it's best to simply thank them for the feedback and tell them you'll think about it. Doing this will help you calm your emotions so you can think clearly through the situation.

Each of the above steps require a very honest assessment. Don't be quick to come up with responses to these questions and jump through them. Think deeply and assess the situation accurately.

Your career and life success most likely depend on it.

The Sinistral Advantage

Photo by Jan Kopřiva on Unsplash

I don't remember having a single friend or classmate who was left-handed while growing up as a child. That's because I grew up in a culture where the use of the left hand was strongly frowned upon.

Using the left hand was seen as a sign of disrespect. You were considered rude if you tried to give or receive anything with your left hand.

In the Nigerian Yoruba culture in which I was raised, a child using the left hand to give something to an adult was quickly met with a rebuke, punishment or both. I later found out that this view of the Sinistral or the Southpaw (as Americans call them) is common in many cultures.

And here I was, thinking it was a Yoruba thing!

In medieval times, lefties were thought to be in league with the devil and considered less intelligent than right-handers. During the Middle Ages, the Sinistral lived in danger of being accused of practicing witchcraft.

In fact, the devil himself was considered a southpaw. Satan and other evil spirits were always conjured up using left-handed gestures. That was when we didn't know any better. Well, maybe some cultures still don't know any better!

Several kinds of research have shown the wonderful advantages of being left-handed in our dominant dextral world.

Because the majority of the world's population is right-handed (about 90%), southpaws have to adjust to using tools, equipment, machines and instruments manufactured for the right-handers. Research has shown that being forced to adapt in this way, brings enormous advantages to left-handers.

• They find it easier to multi-task and process heavy information because they're continuously being forced to use both sides of their brains for effectively adjusting in a right-handed world.

• They tend to do better in sports because they play against right-handers who are not used to, and therefore have not had enough practice against left-handers.

• It's also been noted that about 57% of lefties pass the driving test on their first try as compared to the dextrals, who has a pass percentage of 47%. This is despite the fact that almost every car design is done to favor the right-handers; except in the UK, Ireland, Australia, and a few other former British colonies where vehicles are driven on the left side of the road.

And there's more! But I think you get the gist.

Suddenly, I'm feeling I should have been left-handed!

The difficulties the southpaws face in adjusting to a right-handed world seems to be giving them unique strengths and advantages.

Do you know how your current difficulties could be giving you a unique advantage? Have you given thought to the fact that your problems and troubles could be preparing you for something better?

You never know how those afflictions and struggles you're facing can combine to produce in you a greater opportunity in life. So, don't quickly discount those difficulties and hardships you're going through now:

• the pressure to meet your needs with reduced work or no job.

• the difficulties you're facing with your current job search.

• the troubles you encounter with trying to fill job openings.

• juggling jobs and child care with unusual intensity.

. . . and many other trials and tribulations you’re facing.

All of these are building in you, the strength and resilience that would probably come no other way. It may seem like you're just surviving now, but the skills you're developing and honing today, are prepping you to thrive in the future.

Just look back at the past two years of living with COVID.

Many of those difficult work adjustments we had to make early in the year 2020 have now paved the way for a new normal. Many people are now working remotely - much more than anyone could have thought was possible as recently as 2019.

Instead of allowing these adversities to weigh you down, why not embrace them with joy?

How do you do this? Here are a couple of approaches that can help.

Begin paying attention to your thoughts. Many of us don’t pay attention to the kind of thoughts we focus on. We let our thoughts run wild. Research has shown that about 85% of our daily thoughts tend to be negative. We love to wallow in our misery. Those negative thoughts will produce the negative emotions that will weigh you down. Start paying attention to how long you allow negative thoughts to dominate your mind.

Avoid negative self-talk. Stressed out feelings are often stoked by self-sabotaging, negative self-talk. Statements such as “I’m going to have a nervous breakdown.” or “It’s absolutely impossible for me to do this!” can only guarantee that the vicious cycle of stress and negativity will keep running at full throttle. One way to avoid this is by writing down the difficult situations you’re dealing with. Follow this up by including what you can do about each situation, and what benefits each one can bring. This moves you from a passive position to taking an active stance.

Doing these two things will start you on the way towards building the resilience you need to overcome difficulties. They develop something in you. Something that could soon come in handy.

So, what difficulties are you currently going through?

What advantages can you see them bringing you in the future? 

When Pressure Comes

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! This is your captain speaking. The maintenance crew has done all that they could do, to resolve the issues with the two air-conditioning systems on this aircraft without success. As a result, we're going to have to de-plane for a later departure on a different airplane. Our new departure time will be 4:00 pm. On behalf of Delta Airlines, we sincerely apologize for this situation."

Before this announcement was over, the guy in the seat directly in front of me let out a very loud sigh of exasperation. That expression of his frustration was his fourth since we boarded the flight; and you could say it was probably justified.

The flight from Atlanta to Omaha this past Saturday was originally scheduled to depart at 9:42 am. We had boarded about half an hour before that time and had already been informed thrice that the maintenance team was working on resolving the problem with the air-conditioning systems. Each announcement had been followed by a sigh of irritation by our friend in seat 5C.

From now on, I'll just call him Mike.

That last announcement came around 10:15 am and it contained the unacceptably late new departure time of 4:00 pm. So, it's easy to understand Mike's audible sighs of vexation. Maybe he was in a hurry. Maybe he needed to be in Omaha as early as possible for something very important.

I looked around the cabin at the other roughly 150 passengers on that flight and wondered if none of us had any urgent or important stuff waiting for us at our destination. I didn't hear a peep from anyone else. Only Mike let out sounds of frustration when each of the announcements came on.

That doesn't mean he was the only person disappointed with our situation. He could have been the only one close enough to my seat to expressed his annoyance audibly. So, what could be going on with him? Or with anyone else with a similar tendency to immediately convey their infuriation visibly for all to see?

Whether it's an audible sigh or punching the wall, and everything in-between, they all come from a low level of an emotional intelligence skill called Impulse Control.

Although it didn't happen in the flight example I experienced this past weekend, people with low impulse control can throw tantrums and lash out because they’re frustrated for not getting what you want. In the end, their explosive behaviors still don’t get them what they want!

 So, what exactly is Impulse Control?

 It's the ability to delay an urge, drive, or temptation to act. In other words, it involves avoiding rash behaviors and decision-making, being composed and being able to put the brakes on angry, aggressive, hostile, and irresponsible behaviors.

In general, people with effective impulse control have the capacity to think before they act. They have a good control of their emotions, their words, their behaviors, and they use all these to their advantage. You can begin to take back control of those instinctive impulses by following a simple 3-step process I call the 3 Ps.

Pause. Stop and resist your initial automatic urge to act right away. Just do nothing for a moment and allow the rational side of your brain enough time for processing. Research says it takes about six to eight seconds for this to happen. It may be difficult at the beginning especially if you’ve become accustomed to reacting quickly. But with practice, you will get better at it.

Ponder. Take time to think and process what’s going on – consider your options. Ask yourself, “Does this situation call for immediate action?” Even if immediate action is required, it probably doesn’t need to be faster than the eight seconds your brain needs, to come up with more reasonable solutions.

Proceed. Go ahead and pick the best response for the situation. The best response usually doesn’t involve doing something that makes you sound or look out of control, neither does it include insulting another person or doing something that could destroy your relationship with them.

Follow the 3 Ps, and you'll well be on your way to improving you IP - that's Impulse Control in case you're wondering.

Yeah I know. IC doesn't rhyme with 3 Ps, so I took literary license.

Sue me! 😏