Allow me to take you back to when you were in school. It could be high school or college. You choose.
Imagine you were in one of your classes. The teacher or professor has spent the last hour teaching a complex subject. He's now done, and he asked if anyone had questions.
The truth is that you did not understand one thing from what had been taught during the last hour. So, you figured there would be others in the class who did not understand also. Surely one of them would ask a question, you thought.
But no one was biting.
You looked around the room. "Is it possible that everyone understood what was taught?" you wondered. "That seems to be the case if no one is asking a question!" It must just be you then.
If no one is asking a question, they must have understood everything. Better not to show your ignorance by asking a question to which everybody else know the answer, right?
So, you kept quiet.
Has this happened to you before? Or is it just me?
But there's else something you didn't realize in that class.
Nobody understood the material. Every other student in the class was thinking the same thing you were thinking. No one understood what was taught, but no one wants to exhibit their ignorance. Everyone remained quietly uninformed.
Social scientists call this Pluralistic Ignorance. It happens when a group of people go along with an idea because they erroneously assume that the idea is accepted or understood by everyone.
And it happens more frequently than you would think.
Far beyond school settings, pluralistic ignorance is rampant in many strata of our society. It leads corporations to continue with failing strategies. It leads government to continue with unpopular policies, foreign or domestic. It's rampant because most people are not bold enough to speak up.
No one wants to bell the cat and speak up when they perceive that something is wrong. They sit in silent agreement because they think everyone approves of what was happening.
Here's what happens you don't speak up:
Terrible ideas can move ahead uncontested
Great new ideas could go unheard
Average ideas will be untested
Contrary but game-changing views will go unheard
Organizations lose, and government policies fail when you and I don't have the courage to speak up. We don't speak up because we're either lacking or low in the emotional intelligence skill of Assertiveness.
With strong levels of Assertiveness, you have the boldness to speak up and communicate your beliefs and ideas openly. Rather than cower in fear, you defend your thoughts, values and personal rights. But you do all these in ways that are socially-acceptable, non-threatening and non-destructive. These are what separate assertiveness from aggression.
Some people shy away from being assertive because they confuse it with being aggressive. How can you tell the difference? Being assertive requires you to be both bold and kind at the same time.
Ask yourself, "Is what I'm about to communicate going to come across in a way that's non-threatening to the other side?"
"Am I about to defend my ideas in a manner that is non-destructive to my relationship with this person?"
If you can't answer "yes" to these questions, bite your lip, calm your emotions and rehearse in your head how you can turn these questions to "yes".
Do this before you proceed. But you do need to proceed.